It's a dream we all have, going back in time and changing one instance or another. It's a dream that since we made our first mistake that has plagued us and caused us to live in a nice thing called regret. But isn't it obvious that we shouldn't change our past? If we were supposed to be able to, then we would surely be able to.

I like the advertisement for The Butterfly Effect - "Change one thing, change everything." Guys, we don't live perfect lives. We are in constant shame and guilt or regret for things done, things we wish we could have done differently. If we were to go back in time and choose the winning numbers of the lotto or whatever, sure, we'd wake up rich, but man, the people that we knew in the past won't be the people we know now. The things we loved might not be what we loved with our alternate, rich lifestyle.

As interesting as it is for me to say it, I am happy with the way my life has gone. Sure, some days are worse than others, but the people that I have met, the things I have been able to do, the places I have been able to go, all of that is something that I am not likely to want to change. Man, there are days when I will do stupid things, I will say things that hurt another, I will portray myself differently to someone than maybe another person which will put in a place of living a different way for that person, I will not do things or I will do something dumb.. Whatever stupid things I have done in the past and have yet to do.. They're still memories because they are lessons learned.

I think that is where maturity comes to play. I think that if those things of the past were forgotten or changed, then we wouldn't learn. If we stuck our hands on the stove when it was hot and burned ourselves then we forgot that we had done that, forgot that it was painful, then we would do the same thing the next day and the day after. There would be no lesson learned.

So, what am I saying here? Be thankful for the good things and the bad things in life because they are what will make you into the woman or the man that you are to be. A quote that rings true, "it's not who you are, but what you do that defines you. " I suppose that's for another entry on some other day.

Today saw me in the most random of places, meeting the most random of people, seeing the most random of things, but all in all it was a good day. It started off at 7:00a after my brother's alarm went off. I woke up just to ask him what time it was and then happily went back to sleep. I woke up about an hour later, took a shower, and then packed up and left. Where did I go? To Neil's house, of course! Andy, Neil, and I jammed out and highly enjoyed ourselves. We created nice music. Yes. We did.

So, after jamming at Neil's, I went to Best Buy to pick up a firewire cable for my new Mac (courtesy of my internet comrade, Joshua, over at HRTWRK). While I was there, I met a pretty awesome person named Allison. After conversing a bit, we went our ways.. She went home, I went home. After spending a couple of hours doing some tedious work, Joey and I went with Steven to go see Batman Begins. Good stuff. Really, it is phenomenal stuff. We all sat in awe of the amazingness of it. I can easily see why it's the best Batman movie.

So, yeah, there really isn't much to say about my life at this moment. All in all, it's just life. Thank you for being a part of it.

It shouldn't even be considered a teen movie. In no way is it a teen movie.. Ok, it could be a teen movie, but it's not just for the teenie boppers of the world. No, this is something more. This is brilliance to be enjoyed by all ages. ...Ok, most ages. So, what the hecht am I talking about? Batman Begins, folks. Let this be a public service announcement - Batman Begins is out now.. Go see THE best Batman film yet.

So, tell me, do you think they will make another group of Batman movies? Will they just stick with this one masterpiece as a prequel and that be that? I hope not. This film was the best use of $6.25 that I can think of, if you're wanting something different, something that will simply blow your mind. Go see it. Do spend your hard earned money and watch this.

I just got home from the airport. That's right, it's like 1:16a and I just got home. I walked in the house tonight at like 10:00p and my mom was like, "Hey, do you want to go pick up Joey?" I, being the loving brother I am, said, "Uh... I don't mind." So, I went to pick up Joey. It was fun. But you see, the problem was that I got my ACB CD today and yesterday I promised myself I wasn't going to listen to any rock for a while, right? Well, I figured, I've gone 36 hours w/o rock already, I'll just listen to this one CD and this CD only. So, tomorrow will be yet another departure from this thing called rock.

Today was my first day of real work at a real job with real money. Well, ok.. it's as real of a job as it's allowed to be. 3 guys, all pushing 20 or in their 20's and we sit at computers. Me, I'm the communicator right now. You will see me on tons of sites advertising Eleven2.com, Travis is our graphic/web guru.. and well, Rodney is our tech god.. The man has skillz... ok, they both do. Me? Um... I may have a skill or two somewhere. Give me some time, I'll find it.

May I say that Damien Rice is amazing? I don't care what anyone says.. His B-sides album is amazing! I think my favorite song on it is the new version of Vocano. So good.

Um.. not much said, I know, but hey. It's all good.

I just posted a new tune.
I hope that it finds you well. So far, I have had comments such as, "Dude, that's awesome" (Neil), "I could never do anything like that!" (Sam), and "Zach McNair does music?" (Anonymous). So, now I need your comments. Post a comment.. or two.. or 50 billion.

Also, I am thinking about starting a purevolume page. It might be cool. Then again, song without lyrics are extremely dull.

Thanks for listening.
Zach

Rock, I love you. Really, I do. However, I feel it is time to take a break for now. You've been 95% of all I've listened to for a few months now. I believe it is time for a break. It will be hard to stay apart for very long, but I need to find equal enjoyment in genres such as Jazz, Folk, Classical, Chorus, and all things mellow.

"What inspired this?," you ask. Well, I just simply found myself randomly wanting to listen to Norah Jones. Hey, She's beautiful and she's talented. Give me some names of some rocker chicks that are both very beautiful and very talented and I might have to reconsider. So far the finest of women have been found in Folk, Jazz, and just the more mellow of things. Norah Jones, Sandra McCracken, Bethany Dillon, and Lisa Hannigan (Damien Rice) are just a few of the beautiful and the talented. BUT this isn't just inspired by the women out there. You see, Foo Fighters took notice that there is beauty in the mellow, thus one half of their newest album is all mellow acoustic stuff.

So, please don't be offended by me saying all of this to you. I just need a break. I need one so badly that I'm forcing myself not to listen to you. You're great and all, but I think some time apart might be better.

Not yours now,
Zach

Bro, you called at just the right time with just the right purpose - to simply see how I was doing. Thank you ever so much, man. I suppose that no matter how much we think God isn't around or that he doesn't care, he finds way of making himself evident.

Years ago when we were just kids, I always thought you were too crazy to ever be serious. Over the years, though, I realized how wrong I was. Man, you've turned out to be an amazing man of faith, and I deeply appreciate you. Thanks for everything, man. May God bless you and keep you. I look forward to forming some sort of musical thing with you. You've surpassed me, man. Good job.. or as it has been said before, though I still don't understand it... Good hang, man.

Sincerely,
Zach

It's funny how our perceptions play games with us. Right now, the way I see things is this: I am that one person out of seven billion. When everyone else is doing things right, I do them wrong. The seven billion people look to me and consistently try to find fault within my life. Well, my friends, there is fault. There are a lot of faults that amazingly come to light when you don't want them to or don't expect them to. So, why do I live like everyone's out to think I'm wrong or not responcible or not capable? By building these assumptions that I am the black sheep, the one who's gone astray, I am in turn sealing my own fate.

Sin. It's something that we can overcome, right? The bible says it, after all. It says that Christ came, died, and rose again. And in that 3 day period, he overcame all evil that had been cast on us, all the sin, all the strife, all the jealousy, all the lust, all the forgetfulness, all the pain, etc.. Everything was put on his shoulders so much so that God couldn't even look at Jesus while he was on the cross.

So, if the sins that we hold on to have been overcome thousands of years ago, then why do we hold on to them? Why do we feel like we can't overcome them? My heart goes out to the thousands of teens that decide that true love doesn't have to wait. A big percentage of those teens end of contracting some sort of disease or they become pregnant the first time they're involved sexually with someone. There is a guilt that lays on their hearts that no one will ever be able to take away. Wrong choices made comes to be consequences not wanted.

But not even just in a sexual manner.. Someone who kills another person, or even something as simple as someone who tells a "white" lie is incased in this horrible guilt trip. A lot of times, if the person is a Christian, these instances can wear someone down enough to where they can't bear the thought of calling themselves Christians anymore and then they walk away believing that there's nothing they can do. I've seen it quite a bit with people I know.. Amazing, Godly people strugling to keep a hold on life.

Look at King David... Little shepherd boy who had enough faith in God to take on a giant with just a slingshot grows up to be a King and a man after God's own heart. However, after a long while, he fell into temptation of a woman, and his eyes became so calloused that he had her husband killed in battle just so that he could be with her. Talk about wrong moves. But you can read about it in the bible, even though he did this horrible act just to satisfy his lust, he still felt empty and realized that what he had done was wrong. He accepted God's grace and forgiveness and turned back to the arms of Christ. After everything was said and done, though what he had done was wrong, he was able to let it go and he was able to live life and worship God with a sincere heart and with that same child-like faith he had as just a little shepherd boy.

So, where am I going with all of this? I'm not too sure, but I'm wishing I could like David and Job and all the other amazing people in the bible who overcame their trials. At times, I still feel like I'll never be able to return to the arms of Christ... that my ignorance, my laziness, my bits of anger, my sadness, my lustful eye, my dishonesty, and all other parts of me that make me impure holds me back from running towards the goal which is Christ. I know where I want to go, I can see the lighthouse up ahead, but rudders are caught in fishing nets, my anchors are deep in the ground, and everything that could be pushing against me is.

So, my request to you humble journal readers is this: pray for me. As simple as that, just pray. I know where I need to go and what I need to do, but I can't find in me anywhere the will power to do anything. I have long lost the want to what is right all the time. Pray that I will not only want to do what is right, but that i will want to want to do what is right... that I will stop busying myself for the sake of not having to face God. So, just pray.

Thanks.
Grace and peace.
Zach

I've let everyone down in this town.
From the holes in my shoes to the holes in my soul,
I've been just another letdown in this town.

I strive for higher ground,
but this sandpile is much too hard to climb.
I think I want to quit,
but a life without you is nothing I know.

You're there when I've lost my way,
but I think there's still too much to say.
I want to lay down all that is in me,
but this prideful war within fights the better days

I don't want to feel hollow again.

So, I got this email from my friend, Lyn, earlier today, and yeah..
Read this part:
"hey! this is so crazy..i was driving down 1097 today and i was thinking of that day my brother took you home and i was with yall and then i got home and found this quite long but great message that made my day...well hello... i was thinking as i drove by your "turn" i wonder if i will ever see zach again and wow here you are!"

Now, one of my grandmother's favorite sayings is "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." Definitely makes me laugh. What a coincidence that she and I were pretty much thinking of one another at the same time! And to make it even odder was the simple fact that I don't think we really had a deep conversation with one another during school.. All conversaton was pretty much spent in passing periods and went a little something like this: "Hey! What's up?" "Not much, just heading to class." "Sweet. Well, have a great day!" "Yeah, you too!"
Ok, so I really don't have anywhere that I'm going with this, but it was just a randomly cool thing. I hope you enjoyed hearing about it.

Hmm.. So, not much has happened in my life out of the ordinary that I haven't already expressed in previous entries. Oh, July 5th there is an Eisley show in Houston, and then in the latter part of July, there is an As Cities Burn concert in Houston. If you are interested in going to either show, let me know.

So, what are your top 10 albums or bands of the year thus far? What are your top 5 movies? Do you have any funny stories to share? Post your lists, your stories, and lots of love - let the comments begin!

Dear faithful journal reader,
It has come to my attention that you wish not to participate in the posting of comments to the recent entries. That's fine with me, but keep in mind that means that you will be subjected to more entries like this that basically just say, "Hey! Post something!"

And I'm not sure how it happend, but I got the new Foo Fighters CD, "In Your Honor", before it releases on Tuesday. I must say, I wasn't expecting to put this on any list of music to get, to listen to, much less to add to a top 5, but I think this little diddy just worked its way up to at least my top 10. Disk 1 is what you'd expect from Foo - Hard hitting guitar, Dave's growling vocals, thrashing drums, and amazing bass lines.. However, Disk 2 is not what you'd expect at all. The Disk takes the album on more of an acoustic twist.. In fact, the whole disk is acoustic and it's quite beautiful. Kinda reminds me of Bright Eyes - releasing two sides musically at once.. Awesome stuff.

So, on Tuesday, when I will have listened to the CD for 4 days already, go pick up "In Your Honor." 14 bucks for 20 songs.. Not bad at all!

The most anticipated album of the year hits stores soon.
"Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest" by As Cities Burn is by far THE album I have most anticipated this year. The album is produced by the guy who has produced Copeland's and The Chariot's latest projects.. Now, Copeland is not hard in any mannor and The Chariot is about as hard as it gets... It is definitely evident that the As Cities Burn album will leave you guessing as to what's coming up next from track to track.

I think my top 5 will probably be like this at the end of year:
1. As Cities Burn - "Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest"
2. the Panic Division - "Verses"
3. Coldplay - "X&Y"
4. Robbie Seay Band - "Better Days" (Sparrow/EMI rerelease)
5. Inhabited - "The Revolution"
So much amazing music has been released or will be released this year. Thank God for music.

I highly recommend you guys checking out the As Cities Burn e-card. You can pretty much listen to the whole album online. So good!

So, what I didn't tell you was that when I bought the Coldplay cd, I also bought Garden State. Finally. It's truly one of the most amazing films ever made. Zach, you're my hero, man. After all, you have the same first name as me. Thanks for making such a BEAUTIFUL film. It truly amazes me. Ironically enough, I feel quite a bit like Andrew Largeman, trying to find who I am, what I'm sure of, and well, just trying to feel. What is it to feel? I don't know. I haven't experienced feeling in a while, and I haven't felt true sadness in years. I can't even remember the last time I cried... Maybe it was 5th grade? I, like Zach's character couldn't even cry when my mom passed away. I've tried to think of the saddest things, yet the tears never come. Oh well, maybe one day I'll feel again. Even if it's sadness, I'll take that.

After much debate, I did it. I went to Starbucks tonight, walked in there like I owned the place, laid down the law, and said, "Give me an application now cos I guarrantee that you've never had anyone quite like me work for you!" Ha Ha... It didn't really happen like that, but It'd be funny nonetheless. I went to the bux in College Station and talked to the manager there before graduation, and she knows the manager at the bux @ 249 and Jones, so I figured, "Hey? What do I have to lose?" I walked in, talked to some of the jokers that work there, ordered a caramel frap, and filled out the application. I thought it was cool.. the chick that was working there at the time, she looked like Winona Ryder (see: Mr. Deeds, Beetle Juice, and Little Women). I love Starbux people.. Every bux I have been to has had awesome people.

So, I have a hairkkut now. Er... I got one a couple of days ago. It's not what I wanted, but I managed to make it decent. I've been doing a little mohawk thing which is really not something I have gotten away with before, but so far no one has said anything bad about it. I've had a few compliments on it, actually. It's nifty, and if I can find a way to get a picture made, I will and will post it here for you to see.

I stay up too late. It's a bad habit of mine.
Goodnight... er.. Morning.

I threw myself against several walls trying to decide whether or not to pick up your new cd, "X&Y". I haven't exactly put my few bucks that I have to the best use, but I finally figured, "Eh, one more CD won't hurt." I am very well pleased that I decided to buy it. It is a nice addition to my Coldplay collection.

You have definitely done yourselves well having the whole world wait three years for a new studio album and two years for an album period. Thank you for having me wait. The time apart from one another has made me really appreciate the love I have for you. Will you marry me? No? OK then..

So far (I'm only on trk 8), the song that stands out the most to me is "Fix You." The drums at the ending are just simply amazing and definitely done in a different style than one would expect.

Thank you for the years of absolute rockage. Thank you for the beautiful poetry turned song. Thank you for the beautiful music turned into marvelous song. May you forever stand out and may other musicians stop trying to copy you. You amaze me.

Traveling at the speed of sound,
Zach

I hate Texas. Let me say again - I hate Texas. There isn't much to love here. It's hot, humid, and the air usually smells like dead animals because "road kill" isn't just something that happens, it's a sport. Whoever kills the most wins, thus our roads are lined in every which way with dead animals.
Not to mention all the incorrect grammar. My word! "Ain't ChY'all gunna come awn down fo suppa?" "Hey, Jimmy, Jeetyet?" "Naw. You?" "Naw, but I was fixin' to." "Aight"

I think there is a calling from the great SC in the air saying, "Come, make your home here. I'm beautiful. My air is clean, my people are friendly, and I have many people who are fabulous designers such as Elizabeth and Joshua. Come, make your home here." 'Tis would be nice to at least take a break from Tejas and travel to SC for like a week or two or fifteen.

So, yesterday Neil, Andrew, and I got together and jammed out. We like what we created in the few late hours of the evening. Maybe there's hope out there for us? Maybe we'll actually become a band, but more than that, we'll become family. It would be nice, indeed. By the way, if you want to hear some of the coolest 80's music, Neil made some in 5 minutes.. It's amazing.

Oh, and from the looks of it, I've played my Panic Division cd 20 times since I got it (that's 10 times in one day... 50min. x 20 repeats equals about 1000 minutes of play time thus far. It's seriously good. Andrew now has my cd, but luckily I have an iPod... Which, I'm seriously considering selling. If you are interested, let me know.

Yet another cool thing - I preordered "Son, I Loved You At Your Darkest" by As Cities Burn yesterday. I can safely say this is my most anticipated album of the year. I would like to thank Zak for sharing such awesome talent with me.

I evny all of you who sleep in. Really. I do. I hate this whole waking up in the morning thing. Enjoy your youth because I can't.

Sincerely your faithful narcoleptic insomniac,
Zach

So, the makes for the most posts in one day. Loving it? I am. I'm writing this while sweat is dripping down my face. It's like 90 something outside and I just came back from running to my mailbox and back. It came! Like a little boy, I carefully ripped open my mailbox in which I found a manilla envelop addressed to me. "What was inside?", you ask. Well, the new album from the Panic Division - "Verses". I've been waiting for these guys to put out an album for a long time and now they have and it kicks! Go check it out here.

Dear Panic Division,

For a year I have been fully satisfied with your Purevolume demos of which rocked my world... 'til today. I got your CD in the mail, and if I died today, it wouldn't be bad. The CD is some of the best musicianship I have ever heard EVER. Thank you for kicking and rocking! May all the fellow journal readers fall in love with you tonight.

In awe,
Zach

No. Not Where is Waldo? Where is Ian Whalley?

Ian, my fine fellow friend from England, where are you? What are you doing these days? I miss you! America wants you! And well, I think Cuba hates you. Nonetheless, If you ever read this, know that you are well missed and I definitely owe a debt of gratitude to you for the years of putting up with a punk like me... Who knows? Maybe in the next year or so I'll be able to go back to the UK.
Blessings,
Zach

So, it's been a while since I've posted anything. Ok, maybe just a week, but it feels like forever. Whether or not "tons of stuff" or "not much" has happened over the course of the week, it's your choice to decide.

Well, for the majority of the week, my days have played out like this: wake up @ 7:45, go feed and water the horses, go eat breakfast, clean horse stalls, enjoy a short break, feed and water the horses, eat, work on computer, sleep with an occasional "Zach, go to Montgomery and feed the dogs." thrown somewhere in there. Overall, it's a schedual that doesn't seem to fancy me much.

On Wednesday, I went to 6th Street (Youth Ministry @ MFBC) and was pretty much slammed with the book of Ecclesiastes. I know it may be overused, and it's very cliche`, but it never ceases to amaze me how much crap I put in my life that I think is SO important, when in all reality, all that i build or do or whatever, everything that is done is meaningless. Everything is meaningless. It's hard to realize that, but man, whether your Bill Gates or Bill Who?, whether your wise or not, whether your old or not, whether you own the world or own nothing, whatever the case may be, guys all that stuff that we focus on is meaningless. And if we place our wants and desires in front of God, then those things become our idols. Pretty shocking, but true. The question then becomes, are we too set in our ways to care about that or can we truly be broken and put God first?

Then Saturday comes around. I think the day started and finished on a pretty good note. I did all my chores, drove to Montgomery, drove to Tomball to get gas, found out my debit card was locked because my memory sucks and I couldn't remember my pin. So, I drove home, fed, showered, then headed back to Tomball, got gas, and then trekked like a trekkie to Sugarland to see Lauren graduate. The drive there wasn't half bad. I listened to a good selection of music from Crash Rickshaw to Foster to The Killers to Lenny Kravitz, but on the way home it was definitely Project 86 all the way and traffic sucked.

Ah, then today... well, yesterday. It's now like 3am (what's with me staying up late and getting up early? I hate it..)... ANYWAY... I decided to go to Kacey's church (Lakewood UMC), which I had never been to on a Sunday, but I've known quite a few jokers from there for years. One of which is Nate who I would definitely say has made a huge impact on my life.. Kacey's another who has made a nice sized impact on me as well. Yay, go Kacey! Ha Ha.. And the funny thing is, you're reading this right now! HA! Alright, well, enough of that. After church, we (Kacey, a fairly large group of fellow LUMCers, and I) went to Sweet Tomato (I think that's the name of it) where all I ordered was a drink. I'm sorry, but 7 bucks for a buffet and 2 bucks for a drink is crazy. So, I just got the drink and was satisfied.

After our little romp through the Willowbrook area, we went to Kacey's and just chilled. Oddly enough, I was the only guy there. I was under the impression that everyone was going to Kacey's, but I was misled. All the other guys who didn't go, well, I guess they missed out. Kacey's sister hooked me up with a slice of her homemade blueberry pie... Yeah, amazing! I'm not even a huge blueberry fan, but man, the pie was awesome. Hmm.. So, after chilling for a while, Kacey hands me her guitar and asked me to play some tunes. I did. Nuff said, right? Hmm.. well, not quite. I am reminded of a post that Shua made a long time ago.. ok, back in March. I highly recommend that you read it because it strangely enough fits right in. I think the only thing that doesn't fit would be the singing part.. I am not talented like Shua with his "I can write music with words,." Ok, well, maybe I am, but I haven't disovered how to develop that very well. Nonetheless, the last two paragraphs of his post could almost be posted directly in here.

After all that jazz, I drove home, fed animals, unloaded over 125 bales of hay (50lbs a piece... If my math does me well, that's 6,250lbs that I unloaded), went to Montgomery to feed the dogs, came home, caught the rear end of the Lizzy McGuire(sp?) movie, predicted the ending quite nicely, and I've been on the computer since. Oh, funny story about Hillary Duff... Well, you don't want to know how this works, but ok.. So, 3 years ago, I was djing a skate show for Ed (he's in the photo section) at the Houston Children's Festival. That's not the cool part. The cool part was that Hillary Duff was like 30ft. from where we were blaring all this Christian Rap, Hard Rock, and Punk music. Poor thing. Here she had all these little 6 year olds coming up for autographs and like we were totally just blowing everyone away (including the KRBE truck that was next to us). And if you're asking, no, I didn't get Hillary's autograph or phone number or anything of the sort. Supposedly Disney has some sort of thing where you can only talk to the stars if you're younger than 12. What a shame.. I could have been Mr. Lizzy McGuire.. er.. Mr. Hillary Duff. Oh well.

Hmm.. So, I have discovered.. Well, not really discovered anything new, but nonetheless, Crash Rickshaw (Project 86's side band) has some new stuff at Purevolume. I haven't heard Crash's first cd, but if it's anything like what's on Purevolume, I'm sure I'll like it a lot. Anything with anyone from Project 86 has got to kick.

I would like to say a word of special thanks to Shua for helping me out with the CSS issues I was having. If you look at his blog and you look at my journal, there are some similarities, but rest assured, this isn't the design I'm sticking with and I'm sure he's not sticking with his much longer either. I'll give him 2 weeks as the most before he changes the look.

That's all folks. Wait, I would like to say congrats to Kacey and Preston for pressing on for 9 months together. Truly awesome, guys. Once again, congrats! Ok, now I'm done.

So, where do I start? Hmm.. Well, I am debating it, but I'm feeling a sense of honesty that is wanting to be expressed that hasn't really been expressed to the public before. So, there might be some meat in here worth reading, but then again, there might not be.. It depends on how tired I am (it's currently 1:33a) and on if I can get myself to open up. So, without any further ado - Let me tell you about my weekend since Saturday morning @ 1:30am.

Well, Saturday morning I woke up at 6:30a, took a shower, got ready to leave to go see Tomball's graduation, and then my parents both highly suggested that I sleep a couple more hours and skip Tomball's graduation. Bittersweetly, I did. So, I left my house at like 10:00 or 10:30a, drove to College Station, met with Lauren and her mom (who I call Mom) at Outback Steakhouse (which didn't open for another couple of hours), and then we decided to eat at Freebirds. Freebirds, just so you know, is A&M tradition - a definite must for anyone going to College Station. So, we ate there. Food was good. Life was great. I did see someone I knew I knew, but for some reason I couldn't remember her name or anything and I didn't have the guts to walk up to her and be like, "Hey, I know I know you, but I can't remember your name... What is it?" I guess now that I think about it, it's like every other instance in my life where I am too chicken to do what needs to be done (like with minister to peeps?). So, yeah, I missed out and now I will forever ask myself "Just who the hecht is she?"

Alright, well, after that, Lauren and Mom took me to Old Navy where they insisted that I find something to wear and that they'd pay for it. Hmm.. Ok, just so you know, I'm not only a picky wearer of clothing, but I also don't know the first thing about shopping. Well, ok.. I'm picky for a good reason. I'm not going to wear an XXL shirt with a 30x31 pair of jeans. It would cause me to be the laughing stock of everyone. Just like I'm sure that you wouldn't wear something that you weren't comfortable with or thought looked horrible. Ok, enough of that. After Old Navy, they dropped me off at my car and then preceded to leave. 'Tis such sad sorrow. After that, I went to Reed to just see how parking was and then I drove back into town, stopped at Starbucks, drank some coffee (I don't recommend the Cafe` Americano.. It's coffee with water. It's coffee, nonetheless, thus, it isn't horrible, but yeah.. don't buy it), and then cracked open the Word. I read all of 1John. Quite nice. After that, I went back to Reed, sat in traffic, finally got parked, went to Magnolia's graduation where I met a couple of people who I hadn't even talked to in years. It was nice to talk to them. After that, it was my turn. Montgomery's graduation went quite well, however, I was amazed at how much more people clapped and cheered for me when they said "Zachary Alexander McNair" than I was expecting and it seemed like (and maybe it was) more people cheered period. I was quite shocked and honoured. I'm just a nobody. What the hecht could I have done to deserve such grace? How in the world did I impact anyone? I am just me, and I see myself as nothing great, just ok... if even that.

Well, the after party was cool. I passed it up probably 3 or 4 times, but hey.. it's all good. I got to the Vance's at 6:30a and crashed shortly after. I didn't wake up 'til 2pm (which was when I was supposed to be at my house), so I almost ran out the door, got home @ like 2:50 (traffic sucks), celebrated my mom's b-day, left to go to Lauren's graduation celebration thing at 6 or 6:30, went to Wal-Mart to pick up a bag and some tissue (presents need to be hidden.. It's just a fact of life!), then drove to Sugar Land (which I (number one) had never done before and (number two) had definitely not done in the rain at dark), and I arrived at like 8:15-8:30. Mom let me in, and was like, "Lauren's just around the corner, go say hi." I did just that and she freaked. She had a good 15-20 people there (all friends of hers) and she screamed and almost cried and was like, "This is him! This is Zach McNair!" and I kid you not, all her girl friends screamed and one actually ran and hugged me... Mind you, I hadn't met any of them before. She told them our story, which brought quite a few "awww!'s" and "wow!'s." I'll tell you in a bit what "our story" is. Be patient. So, after the shindig, I said my goodbyes, left, and got home at like um.. 11:30p. It was a pleasant drive, considering it was raining and it was dark. Hmm.. So, now it's 2:12am. I suppose I will write 'til I literally fall asleep.

Alright, so, the "story of us" (according to what Lauren told her friends) is this: Well, when we were in sixth grade, her family was in Williamsburg, VA on vacation or whatnot, and one night her mom (who is an organizer/planner type of person) decides that they randomly needed to go through a tour of Williamsburg. So, as they were walking through the tour, her mom caught a glimpse of me and was like, "Lauren, he's cute! You should go talk to him!" Well, needless to say, she was quite hesitant, but did start up some conversation with me (meanwhile my grandmother talked to Lauren's folks). After a while we found out that Lauren and her family were from Sugar Land, while my grandmother and I were from Pinehurst (both are cities in Texas). So, It was just strange and cool how we were at the same place, on the same tour, at the same time, etc.. Anyway, after we got back to Texas, we kept in touch and I guess you could say that we dated.. or in other terms, we were each other's first b/f and g/f. And another thing that Lauren bluntly stated at the end of her introduction (with her b/f not too far away) was that "And we're getting married when we're 25!" ......... Cute story, eh? So, then the question remains for some, "Why say you've been single your whole life when you haven't?" Hmmm.. good question, young chap! I suppose I didn't take it as something serious enough to be considered a "relationship" because if I look back, we were in 6th grade. What does a 6th grader know? Not much. Nonetheless, that what I believed 'til recently. BUT things change, people mature, and yet the past will always be the same (unless this is 1984). So, truth to be told - number one, I haven't been single my whole life.

Now here's where I let my guard down and what was known to only a select few will be made known to all the faithful journal readers:
A big struggle since probably 7th grade (which ironically was the year that I started getting deeper into God) has been what has now become something "expected" or "OK" by the eyes of the world - Pornography/Masturbation. It was what put me on edge of giving up my walk with Christ the DAY BEFORE I was to go to Aberdeen, Scotland and do mission work, it was what led me to depression for the longest time, it was what caused me to create a mask to hide with. Hiding, it is, after all, what Christians do best. Is it not? We become experts at hiding our sin so that we look good in the eyes of others, but I'm tired of hiding from my past. Cards laid out, there has been no definite stop in my struggle. For the longest time it was like an addiction, a cycle or a habit that happened daily, but finally um... I think it was two, maybe three, years ago that Travis, Sara, and I went to Bennigans and I totally just broke and spilled my whole stuggle with them. It opened up the door for true repentance and true cleaning. Guys, we can't expect God to heal us if we're unwilling to let stuff go. But anyway, to be as honest as I can be, this sick cycle carousel that I found myself riding years ago has stretched out quite far since then, but every once and a while, Satan will just grab me, shake me up a bit, and cause me to fall into the things that I hated. I love the lyrics that Linkin Park uses, "I took what I hated and made it apart of me." It totally describes what went on in the life of that 7th grader. I hated the idea of what I would later find myself addicted to, but sure enough, it became me. It became something to hide. Well, I'm here to tell you, you can't hide anything. God will bring truth to the light whether you want him to or not. I love how Derek Webb says it, "The greatest things for us would be for our sins to be exposed on the 5 'o clock news because then we would have nothing to hide. We could live in peace instead of fear of someone finding out our secret sins." So true. So, no.. I am not perfect, I'm just a man who presses on towards the goal, which is Christ, and while I may run the race, I should be prepared to stumble, but know that when I do stumble, it's not then end, I just gotta keep trucking.

So friends, I apologize for not being so forthcoming with that stuff. My view of life has changed quite a bit recently. One thing that graduation has tought me is that I simply missed 4 years of opportunities that I will never have again. 4 years where I could have ministered, 4 years where I could have lived my heart on my sleeve, 4 years where I could be free. Instead, I was bound by deceptions and lies. Satan's good at those. So, be weary, dear friends. I will talk to you soon, however, I must be going. Thanks for everything. I highly appreciate you.

Current Listening: Delirious? - "With You"