A stone cold heart, fire, and flame.
At what point in my life end up this way?
I've given all the answers,
I've been asked all the questions,
Still I'm here. Still I'm here.

Don't stress now,
I'm changing all the timelines.
Don't worry now,
Something real will come your way.

We'll watch the world wash away.
We'll see the lives made clean.
It'll be good.
It'll be good for a heart like mine.

I can't bear to look at myself anymore.
I can't bear for you to look at me as if to find influence.
I am no one you should admire.
I am selfish, and I am wrong.
So wrong.
But furthermore, in case you don't believe,
My heart burns with doubt and disbelief.

My God, You say you are all and everywhere,
But where are You?
I've called for help to the point where I don't care to call any longer.
I don't. I don't care.
I wish I did. I wish I could call out to You like a child.

I haven't felt Your hand upon me in years.
I have forgotten Your touch; Your voice.
I see the doors You open and close,
But I long to see You, not just your blessings.

I don't deserve anything I have,
Yet I am still discontent.
I want to know that anything I am doing is right,
Because right now I feel all I do is wrong.

I have no passions - You've taken them from me.
I am empty, Lord, and my heart has run dry.

I guess I'll keep calling out to You.
Who knows? Maybe You'll touch me someday.
Maybe then You will kill off the habits of sin I hate.
Maybe then You will show me a love, dressed in white, who calls my name.
Maybe then I will finally get someplace new.
Maybe then I will get to be the person on the inside that I am on the outside.

My God, my heart is hardening right before me,
And I can't stop it.

My God, I know You are love,
And I know You love me.
I know You've never left me,
But God, I have never felt so alone.
Not yesterday, not last year, not last decade.
I am cold, and I am alone without Your touch.
I just want to love.
I just want to show love.
But who, but You, could love a man like me?

And Lord, my family.. I don't know them anymore.
My heart grows heavy, cold, and bitter.
Is this what You intended?
A detached family with seemingly no hope of seeing the Light of day?

This prayer is much too long,
But I know there is a need.

God, I need that breakthrough surgery;
The one that will replace this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
I need some sort of life.
I need some sort of direction.
Cos everywhere You've led me to has been a dead end thus far.

Forgive my lack of faith.
Forgive me, my God.

   I am interrupted from my worrisome thoughts by a lonely, meager kid approaching the table. He looks even more distraught than I feel. He has bad tattoos and huge bags under his eyes, looking as if sleep has been avoiding him for weeks. And as he comes closer, I see that his eyes are red and watery, as if he has been shaken up by something severe. I am curious, and my attention is drawn away from my selfish wallowing, for the time being at least. I make eye contact with him as he speaks to me.
    "Is there some way we can talk in private, man? I know this sounds kind of weird, and you guys are busy and all, but I have some important things I would like to talk to you about, Andrew," he says to me.
    "Of course we can," I reply. "Follow me, and we can talk about anything you want."
    I lead him back behind the merch table and into a back room at the club, away from would-be interruptions. I am a little overwhelmed at his candor, not knowing what to expect when he does decide to speak. I am also hoping that he is sincere in his desire to speak to me about something real, and that he isn't just someone who just wants to get near me because he likes my band. You would be amazed at the stories that people come up with to have an excuse to talk to someone they idolize.
    "First of all, I want to tell you how much your music means to me, Andrew. I bought Drawing Black Lines a couple of years ago, and it changed my life. I'm not some crazy fan or anything. I'm just someone whose life you have changed. Your lyrics are so passionate and filled with hope, though I can tell you have gone through real pain. It's just ... so ... real. And that's so rare. I actually feel your hurt when I listen to it, and it makes me long for something real in my own life."
    I am currently feeling this guy's words, for some strange reason. I mean really feeling them. You would think that would be obvious, but when you have the same conversation with so many people so many times, over and over again for days on end, it is impossible to feel a deep connection with every single person who approaches you. But this guy has my attention. I can sense he has deep pain and a very real need for something. And all of a sudden, my petty cares about disappointment and my music career seem very far away.
    "Thanks a lot, man. Your words really encourage me. What's your name?" I ask.
    "Jeremy," he responds.
    "Nice to meet you. So, tell me-- what do you really want to talk to me about?"
    His face drops, and tears begin to appear in his eyes. He looks embarrassed and tries to wipe them away before they stream down his face. My heart begins to open to hi even more as I see this happening, sensing his earnest desire to confess, or share, or something. I can just tell he has something very important to reveal.
    "I have to tell you this, only because I have to tell someone. I am sorry to put you on the spot like this, because you don't me. I feel a connection to you because of your music, but only because it speaks so closely to what I am going through right now. Please don't think I am just some weird fan because I'm not."
    "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Just let it out, man. Sometimes just the act of speaking about something heavy on your heart frees you up enough to take steps in a new direction. Trust me, I am here to listen. This is why our band was started in the first place, to inspire those in a low place." I say all of this hoping that I can convey to him how much I truly want him to know that there will be no judgement on my end. God knows I have had my fair share of pain and hurt in my day. This conversation is going somewhere much needed. I can feel it. But who needs this talk more, him or me?
    "Alright, here goes. I have been strung out on heroin for basically the last eighteen months. I am living on the streets right now, completely homeless. I stole money from my family, and they don't trust me anymore. I have nowhere to turn, nowhere to run. I slept in the park last night. I guess I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that the only thing that has kept me going throughout all of this is your music. If I didn't have it, I would have probably been dead by now." His eyes begin to well up at that last sentence.
    Now track with me here. I have basically just been told that I saved someone's life that I don't even know, that I have never seen, that I have never met. I am sure guys like Trent Reznor get this bit all the time, and they are well accustomed to the story,, if not even a bit jaded to it. But for a guy in a mid-level band struggling for legitimacy and meaning during a time for us that seems absolutely devoid of anything hopeful or inspiring, this kid's words are a direct injection of life. I am beyond words. My entire world of misaligned priorities has just been completely obliterated. Here I am, so concerned about my album sales and future as a professional musician, while this guy is sleeping under newspapers on a bench.
    "Have you tried going to rehab? I have a few friends back home who went through the sae thing, and they had great experiences with rehab. There are even some places that will take you in for free as long as you commit to the program. I know Teen Challenge has that type of program," I say.
    "I just don't have any hope that it will help. I feel like there is nothing that will pull me out of this cycle. Have you ever done heroin? If you haven't, there's no way I can explain to you how much it takes a hold of you."
    I shake my head. He pulls up his sleeves and shows me his track marks. The veins on both of his arms are black near the elbow joints. I cringe internally, but hide the reaction on my face. If I had any doubts as to whether or not he was the real deal, they just went out the window. I am thoroughly and completely ashamed of myself at this very moment. I have everything. He has nothing. I feel the weight of his spirit, knowing he is completely at the bottom and that I am the last buffer between him and giving up completely. But what can I do? I am in town for one night. I have no chance of playing any role in his life whatsoever because of my lifestyle. All I know is that I need to give him anything and everything I have. the burden is deep, his reality now weighs on me. I feel a strange responsibility for him in my conscience, knowing I do have something for him that he may not get anywhere else. I know immediately what I should say, what I should do, as if it is being decided for me, but not by me. I lead him to our RV, away from the club and distraction and invite him into our home on wheels. Though this is a right that few enjoy, if for no other reason than refuge and privacy, I know that opening up my house to him is the least I can do.
    "Tell me what you need. Clothes? Blankets? Food? Drink? I can give you anything we have and more." I quickly put together a bag filled with granola bars, soup, a blanket, a sweater, and bottled waters.
    "Thanks so much, man. You don't know what this means. This is the most kindness I have been shown in months. Everyone I know has cut me off, and for good reason. I don't deserve another chance."
    That's what it all comes down to, doesn't it? Does anyone deserve it? Do I, right now, with all my poor attitudes? Does he, right now, with his dirty blue balloons and thieving? I think every single one of us knows the answer to that one deep down. The answer is no. No, we don't.
    "Honestly, Jeremy. I don't have much to give you right now. I mean, I am leaving tonight, and I would take you with me if I could. But I can't. The fact is that our conversation will be a memory in a few hours, and you will be left with the same thing you are left with every day: a decision. The truth is that you already know the answer to your question. You don't deserve a second chance. Neither do I. But if you were given one, would you take it? If you had the chance to put it all behind you, would you?"
    "Yes," he says, tears welling up again.
    "You have to listen to me right now, because you are at the turning point. If you leave here tonight without hearing my words, continuing down your present course, it won't be long before you lose your life. It doesn't matter how you got where you are now. It doesn't matter the decisions you have made prior to this. What matters is the decision you make right now, and the ones you will make from this point forward. Look, I am going to be more vulnerable with you than I usually am with people who come up to me at shows. I haven't exactly been living the most fulfilling or peaceful existence lately. In fact, I have been depressed for the most part of this whole tour. I am just having a hard time finding meaning in anything I do right now. But you coming to me and talking to me has really smacked me in the face. What I am going to tell you may sound crazy, if not completely ridiculous, but I know a way out for you."
    "No matter what it is, I want it. I just don't want to be who I have become."
    "I want you to know I have tired so many things to try to find some sense of meaning in my life, but I've come up empty on all counts. I mean, I've tried everything. Girls, success, money, partying ... it's all the same thing. It's all a quick-fix, an escape mechanism, a temporary treatment of symptoms without acknowledging the actual sickness. And we are all wired the same when it comes down to it. We are all searching for some sense of fulfillment to appease our guilty consciences and make ourselves feel better, in the long run. When you boil t down, this is the essence of how we spend most of our time. It is all just basically a search to fill the hole, the void. Do you feel it? And the funny thing is, the harder we try to fill the hole, the more destructive we become. It's how humans are built. We have a natural propensity for self-destruction. The more well-adjusted of us can keep it together on the outside, but we still feel that empty spot when we finish our day and lie alone in our beds at night. I don't care who you are. And whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, we are reaching, stretching toward some meaning in everything we do. Do you understand what I mean?"
    "Yeah."
    "And I know this sounds crazy, but I have to be honest here. There is only one place I have ever found any sense of truth or peace in my own searching. Maybe you have heard it thousands of times, and chances are you have. But there is something about hitting bottom that forces us to turn to things we wouldn't turn to normally. I am telling you, man, the only place you will find any fulfillment, in my experience, is in God."
    At this, I reach in my drawer and hand him my Bible. I only have one, and I have had it for years, complete with notes and personal remarks. I feel so strange saying all of this because I have been so devoid of hope lately, but there is no denying the fact that it must be said right here, right now. It's amazing how these encounters become a wake-up call to the messenger as well as the receiver. i wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the entire would than here at this moment.
    "Here. Take this. It has been a light to me, despite what so many in our culture say about the fact that Christianity is outdated and dead. I think the most amazing thing contained in these pages is the fact that forgiveness and cleansing is available for anyone and everyone, if they are willing to turn from their ways and admit that with ourselves at the helm, we will fail. If we are willing to humble ourselves and confess, then He is willing to forgive. Isn't that amazing, once you think about it? It does not matter what we have done."
    He nods, silent. Intent and remorseful, his expression says all that needs to be said, adorned with a worn expression that concurs with my last statement. Forgiveness is hard to find. He knows, as do I. Forgiveness is hard to find. And I need it right now as badly as he does.
    "Do you think I could be forgiven for what I have done?" he asks me.
    "Yes. Without a doubt. We just have to believe in the Sone of God. We have to believe that we are forgiven and change our ways. He does not want to see us in the state that we are in. You know, in many ways I am in similar shape as you. Just tonight, onstage, it was almost impossible for me to get the words out because my heart was so heavy with remorse, regret, and hopelessness. This conversation is as needed for me as it is for you. I am truly amazed at how this night is turning out. Do you want to pray together right now, and let it all go?"
    "Yes," he says.
    And we do. And it is everything that both of us need. We confess together, before heaven, eyes shut, hearts open, not caring what the world around us thinks at that moment. I actually can feel his burden lifting, hope entering his mind, his thoughts. It is a beautiful thing, to say the least. He confesses all he stole, and he injected into his body, and all the ways he indulged in hopeless thinking. I confess all my disobedience, my cynical attitude, my desires to store up success as some sort of end-all-be-all fix to my own insecurities. But most of all , we both confess filling ourselves with utter poison when another answer was offered all along. Then we open our eyes together, and all the world seems to have changed while we were away.
    "Do you sense the hope?" I ask him.
    "I do," he responds.
    "Listen man. You know I can't stay here with you, or else I would. We can stay in touch after tonight, though. I'll give you my email address. You have to promise me you will contact your family and enroll in a program. Do you have one in mind?
    "Yeah. There's one not far from where I have been staying. I promise I will go there tomorrow. Andrew you have no idea how much you helped me tonight. I think you may have really saved my life all over again. I don't know how to thank you for talking to me."
    "I should be the one thinking you. Your courage and honesty truly convicted me of how much of a coward have been lately. You have helped me just as much as I helped you. But the reality is that there was a definite reason why you came here tonight. I can see that so obviously it is scary. I have a couple of questions though. First, how did you get to the show tonight?"
    "Oh, I snuck in the back when one of the bands were loading in between sets. I didn't have any money, of course."
    A smile creeps over my face. I can't help but think about the kid and his dad before the show, and how people like them probably would have kicked this kid out of the show if they had caught him.
    "That's pretty funny," I say. "It's amazing how ironic these situations can be. Okay, here's my second question: Did you have any ideas about the stereotype about our band before tonight?"
    "Nope. I just liked the music and felt a real desperate search for hope in it. I guess I always just felt that there was something in it that pushed me towards staying alive. You guys don't seem at all to be like the lame Christian rock bands who are trying to make Jesus cool. You are a real band that plays real music. To be honest, If I had thought that you guys were a Christian rock band, I wouldn't have come tonight. Actually, I didn't even know you guys believed in God at all before tonight."


    In the end, all of the risk and all of the failure and all of the sleepless nights and all of the empty promises will not matter. In the end, all of the thieving managers and we-came-so-closes and we-almost-were-huge-but-oh-my-dear-son-the-big-one-got-aways will not matter. It just will not matter.
    Why?
    Because one kid will walk up to you at some random show in Maine when you are at your lowest, and he will tell you with tears in his eyes that you saved his life. And he will mean it. And you will be cut to the heart. And all the complaints in the world that you had not a few minutes prior will disappear. Because you will write that one song, that one chorus, that one note that is magical. Because in the end, when it is all said and done, you will come back home, if you are true, if you are real, if you really have been gifted to do what you are doing and God is in heaven has set this task before you. Because in the end, when it is all over and you are lying on your deathbed with faded tattoos and a saggy yet supportive wife by your side, you will look back and know that you took the risk, you stepped out in faith. And you know what? You actually DID something that mattered, even if it was only to a few people.
    And though it was never, ever, glamorous, nor anything like what they told you it would be, one thing stands true. One thing and one thing only matters, above all else in the end. Nothing else matters in the whole world besides this one thing:
    You did it all for the love. You did it all for THE LOVE

- Andrew Schwab, "It's All Downhill From Here" (excerpt)

When there is a whole world out there,
I am stuck inside staring at screens that hold me captive.
I've never longed for anything different 'til now.
I've never longed for anything different 'til now.

I want a change because they need a change.

Oh my, God. Who am I?
There's a world in need,
and I have done nothing for it.
and I have done nothing for it.

I want a change because they need a change.

So, You're calling me to places I've never been.
You're calling me to give up all I've ever known.
Oh, God, can I really give up everything?
I'm so weak at heart, but I can't deny what I know.

I know they need you as much as I do, and sometimes more.

I swear I never saw it coming.
It was just one wish, and the onslaught came.
I guess I brought it upon myself.
I guess You're all I need.

When our idols take over,
We stare at blank walls wondering, "My God! What have I become?"

So, now move on with the story line.
It was just one desire of a broken heart.
I guess they're not what I needed.
I guess You're all I need.

When our idols take over,
We stare at blank walls wondering, "My God! What have I become?"
When our idols take over,
We'll be the broken, the bruised, and the lost dying for a change.

Oh, God,
If you're tuning into this broadcast,
I'm confessing my sins with signals over the air.
I long for a love that might cost me everything,
But without You, we'll never be alright.

I miss waking up in the morning to the smell of breakfast.
I miss having no care in the world about anything.
I miss my Jesus in the morning and my Jesus in the night.
I miss my mother.
I miss all the people who have come and gone.
I miss the simple life; The one that never existed.
I miss playing horrible shows & being humbled by the fans.
I miss high school choir class.
I miss the Blake Rampy Band & still jam to their demo often.
I miss my time to pursue writing, design, and music.
I miss the old days.
I miss remembering lines in movies I just saw.
I miss my childlike faith.
I miss you.
I miss all of those who have impacted my life.
I miss the tears that have long since stopped coming.
I miss deep, genuine, relentless happiness.
I miss so much, but am thankful for what I've been given.

Sent from my iPhone

You will never own enough music. Don't even try.
Watching a 2 hour long movie on 1 typeface (Helvetica) will make you randomly shout out "I know that typeface" upon entering airports, bus stops, and strip malls. You will then feel like Steve Urkel.
Speaking of Steve Urkel, Jaleel White looks nothing like he did on Family Matters.
You only turn 21 once. Probably a good thing for most people.
Times are changing. That's nothing new. Get a new slogan.
Email the future at swamped.com. A site by my friend.
First dates and last dates are usually the same thing for me.
I love that banks still use snail mail (sarcasm).
AV = BA.
Your best friends are always found in the least likely of places.
I wonder what you're doing now.
I wish I could sing higher.
Karma. You're joking, right?
My name is not Josh, contrary to popular belief.
Huntsville and Nashville have nothing to do with Vegas.

We are a lonely people.
We write open-ended letters to lovers who never are,
We sing the songs of the lonely hearts,
We enjoy meals set in silence,
And this sets us free:
That one has come to set all things right;
No one shall be forsaken or forgotten.

It's no news to the world that I am a longing man.
I long for things I have not seen,
And I dream for things greater than my eyes.

It's safe to say here tonight,
My loneliness comes not from me being alone,
But rather because I can't seem to trust that God will meet my needs.
I have a father who has lavishly poured out His life for me,
Yet it's the future that makes me wonder.

Who will I be and why?
I want to be God's,
And I want to trust that He is Provider.

Damn my doubt.
Damn my disbelief.
Damn my loneliness.
I don't want it.
I never have.
I want my God.

This, my friends, is me.
A broken, humbled man who struggles just as much as you.
We are not alone.

It's amazing to me how some authors tend to speak the words of my mind and heart before I get to. This would have been a letter I would have written today, had it not been written before:

I'm yours if you want me
And I'm sorry if you do
'Cause I don't have that much to offer
A girl who knows as much as you

I'm scared of your body
And I'm scared of your soul
But I'd rather be a letdown
Than let being with you go

I'm yours if you want me
You can see I'm not mine anymore
It didn't take much to drive me crazy
I guess I wasn't that sane before

I don't care about my future
And I don't care about your past
Those things come from and lead to right now
And they can get the hell out fast

So I'm yours if you want me
And you know what now I think you should
'Cause I want you to be mine so bad
I promise I'll make it good

- Chris Thile, "I'm Yours If You Want Me"

Do you ever awake to realize that sometimes your dreams are better than real life?
Do you ever awake to realize that sometimes real life is better than your dreams?

There are days when my dreams are certainly sweeter than real life. I find that those are the most depressing moments of my life. Waking up becomes the sore realization that maybe the life you dreamed of is nothing more than just a thought process that relaxes your mind during R.E.M. Oh, such sad reality.

Then there are days when my dreams can't possibly be better than real life. I realize that I am blessed by an all loving God. I realize that He's provided all I will ever need and then some. I realize I am truly not alone. Different situations and different people that God has put in my life tend to make me feel ridiculously blessed.

I think I can honestly say that over the past couple of weeks, my life has become the latter. It's the life better than dreams. Who knows if it will stay that way or not, but right now I am counting my blessings and praising God for them!

These lyrics ring home to me tonight. Maybe it's the words I just can't say yet, but one day... one day.

"Didn’t I tell you that I could hear you running out?
Didn’t I find you when I knew you were hiding out?
Didn’t I see you when you thought you’d never stand out?
Didn’t I find you? Didn’t I find you?"
- Copeland, "When You Thought You'd Never Stand Out"

Know that 3 people read this thing, including 2 new people you've never met.
No matter what they say, silence is not the same as gold.
Never grow old of Thursday. You know you love them.
Face it, you've got a lot more of these thoughts to write.
Love is fragile. Don't ruin it by rushing it.
Don't drink Coke over Dr Pepper. You'll hate you later.
Stare into the eyes of the unknown. They need love too.
Feel sorry for people who don't pursue their passions.
Photography is where it's at.
Relish in knowing Sleeping At Last's Christmas songs are great year 'round.
The December Drive. Listen to them more, man.
Trusting in God is the hardest, most beautiful thing you will ever do.
You're not a college student... go to bed before 2!
To know someone awesome who goes by the name Frodo is a cool feeling.
Brunches are underrated... especially with great company.
You realize how much you don't know, when a 5yr old understands life better than you.
Living Water is one of the coolest things ever.
Being 21 isn't all that it's cracked up to be... So, don't be stupid.
I can feel lonely in a room full of people. It happens often.
No matter how much you talk, phone conversations will always be awkward.
Courage, honesty, purpose, integrity, discernment, strength,
patience & faithfulness... Strive to have those traits.

It's rare when a song picks up a double-meaning to me, but this one is hugely a worship song to me as well as it is also a declaration in the sense of relationships. Just thought I'd share:

When the sun comes up
I can see that you're not here
And the whole world stops
But the wind-up bird keeps winding up its string
And the days go by and you don't come back
But I know you will because there's something pulling both of us

Back and forth, up and down
All around, in and out of love
And I've been holding on,
Holding on for so long that I can't let you go

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us like voices on a string

At the bottom of the well, in the middle of the day
You're the passing sunlight
Stay with me, don't go away
I can hear your voice cutting through the wire
It's the silver spark connecting us and pulling me

Back and forth, up and down
All around, in and out of love
And I've been holding on,
Holding on for so long that I can't let you go

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us like voices on a string
Even when I'm alone I can tell you're with me
There's a hidden love connecting us
And I'm holding on by a string

Back and forth, up and down
In and out, all around
Back and forth, up and down
In and out, all around this love

Even when we're apart I can feel you next to me
There's a hidden love connecting us
I'm holding on, holding on by a string

- Thursday, "Voices On A String"

So, I come to you, the reader, with an open and honest heart. I pray you take what i have to say and that you pray for me.. I need it.

I don't fully know how to begin here. I am living in a state of needless fear. Needless because I know God will provide what I need WHEN I need it, but fear because there is a part of me (the sinful part) that actually thinks God won't be of His word. There are two scenarios in which I speak of, but my goal is to be as vague as possible so as to not give too much away quite yet.

Basically, I have been given two blessings in life. These blessings came pretty much out of nowhere. They came out of times in my life when my relationship with God was next to zilch due to my lack of willingness to lay down my busy schedule and actually talk to God. These blessings have been at the forefront of my mind, and while I know that the God who provides is a God who can take away, my hope and prayer is that He doesn't take these two things away. I don't hold them more valuable than Him, but they are valuable to me nonetheless. As I told a dear friend of mine on Saturday, I would give up all I have to follow God. So, the willingness to let these situations go is there. Knowing that these situations would fade away would be disheartening, but I know that God only promises to provide the best.

Now, I'm sure one of these situations will die in its due time, as all situations of this stature do, but the other situation has potential to last the length of the years of my life. They are passions of mine, no doubt. Maybe that's why I'm vulnerable about them? They are God-given passions; passions that can potentially do great things for the kingdom.

So, what is my prayer?
My prayer is this.. to strive to be a man of courage, honesty, purpose, integrity, discernment, strength, patience & faithfulness... or simply to be a man after God's own heart.

It's all alright now.
I know life is not how you planned,
But can't you see the beauty in it all?
Four lines, and I can't seem to break through.

I think I'll write you another song.
I think I'll give you another piece of my heart.
I just want to break through.
I just want to show you love abounds.

You can say it like it is,
But this is more than meaningless existence.
So, take these words and cast them to the wind.
Four lines, and I will not give up on you.

I think I'll write you another song.
I think I'll give you another piece of my heart.
I just want to break through.
I just want to show you love abounds.

You were just a kid then,
But I saw salvation and a sense of hope
Poured out on you in love
Waiting for the opportune time to say
"you're mine, and I can't let this go."

Your heart will soften over time.
Just let go and believe.

Haven't we all seen these roads diverged?
A choice and a life hanging in the balance.
I could have written love on your arms,
but it's not easy when you don't see the up from down.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

It's not like we can be kids again.
You can't just choose to go back in time
Any easier than I could change the stars
Or change the color of the moon in your eyes tonight.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

Oh, the bittersweet.
Oh, what a wonderful, beautiful soul!
I can't change you,
But I can love you.

All I could ask for is a miracle in all of this.
You're too young to know the pain you bear.
I'll be praying for a miracle.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.
So, breathe deep and know you'll make it out alive.

All I ask is that you pray that I will pursue Christ first in all I do. I don't want ideas and dreams to steal me away from His will and this reality.

I am air to flame.
Burnt, but always coming back for more.
You can't stop it.
You can't stop the rains from falling on your parade.

I'm not sorry for this honesty.
Maybe you'll learn a thing or two before one of us dies beneath the sun.

You are ignorance,
Clothed in grace, but still nothing more.
I can't stop you.
I can't stop the forward way of a wayward heart.

Silence never paid such a price.
Who knew that ideas could change a person's perception?
When you're lost in this meaningless salvation,
Maybe what you have isn't real after all.

I'm not sorry for this honesty.
Blood spilt to save you, but your carelessness,
your callousness, and your lack of sense is all but saving you now.

In the words of my brothers, you are meant for more.
You are meant for love and grace and peace and truth.
He didn't die for your for no reason.
He came to see you well and better than you be.

Call it treason to a life you once knew,
But come clean. Come free.
You are meant for Truth.

I love you.

Colder weather makes Tejas beautiful.
Randy Torres is my favorite guitarist.
Joshua Blankenship needs to bring back HRTWRK.
At age 20, I finally learned how to spell heroes correctly.
I've never thought the education system was how it should be.
I have friends who you wouldn't believe.
Since when did Christ get involved in politics?
I could be content living on the streets of Aberdeen.
I will always have a soft spot for ministry in Aberdeen.
I wonder who my bride will be.
My bride could be the purest of pure,
or she could be talk of the town;
..famous for lying around.
I will love her just the same.
If partying insists of drunkenness and chain smoking, stop..
..no one worth your time will give you their time. Trust me.
I just want my dad and my sister to know I love them dearly.
..I want them to see Christ in me more than anything.
If money is the root of all evil, then how is anyone happy?
If we could love, we could change the world.
A wise man asks questions. Ask yourself, "What can I learn today?"
The TV has been the same thing since 1960.
..Bring back The Honeymooners.
I look forward to trading in the Exploder in the future. Any takers?
I tend to have interests in ladies who are 'too busy'..
Nothing overly pleasant has come from online communication.
I just want to be locked in a music studio in Canada for a month.
Damn, I talk about myself too much.
We don't need anymore truthless heroes!
Pro-choice.. Give me one SELFLESS reason why I should consider this.
Pro-life.. That is something worth fighting for (see: LOVE)
Salvation is not on sale today for a fee.
Christ, make Your way!
G-D = GOD.
Xmas = Christmas because "X" = Christ (Greek).
..so, do some research before you start your lashings of anger.
Speak in ebonics, if you have read this far.
..If you don't know what they are, just say 'bogus.'
A word to the wise: Early to bed, early to rise..
Change the world. Hug a stranger for free today.
Call 832.326.5770 & leave a voicemail of you singing.
..It will make someone smile.
Sleep would feel like a cure, and now I must be going.
To you, be blessed!

Rip the lines from storybook.
These words you speak to them, to us, to all you will never know haunt me so.
I've never wanted to speak against you, but i'm left with no choice.
You've trademarked believers with billboards and franchises.
These poor souls, buying your lies, buying your salvation.
When will it ever end?

So, since salvation's for sale,
And the masses are singing along,
I'll find my way out the back door.
My heart can't contend with the injustice of it all.

Welcome to corporate americana.
Welcome to the lies we're all buying to stay alive.

My love is taking her last breath tonight, letting go of the hope we gave.
You got wrapped up in your business suits and dollar signs,
And love never stood a chance to your cold heart.

I am among the living damned; Living in self-preservation.

MY GOD! Let me change!
Call my heart to a land where lost can be saved.
Call me to place where salvation isn't a book we sell.
Call me to the world where change can be made.
Because I believe it can.

Music is more work than people realize.
A church is not a building.
This process of growing out hair takes much too long.
Coffee shouldn't cost $5 ever, yet it does and I am the schmuck that buys it.
I make sounds with guitars that people shouldn't be able to, and this makes me smile.
I often wonder if my perception of things is the same as others (ie: is "red" red or blue?)
I probably won't be marrying someone who couldn't see herself involved in music..
.. because otherwise the road life would irritate her to no end.
I have a heart for kids, and I'm sorry for those who don't at all.
I'm blessed by great conversations.
Money grows on trees in some form or fashion.. Where does paper come from, eh?
Why do Americans have one word for love when the Hebrews have three?
Our god isn't God, if he fits inside our heads.
Social smoking.
Why is Grace so hard to find in this life to those who hearts are hard?
Sex trade & slavery angers me, as much as it breaks my heart.
Suicide is not the answer to any problem. Period.
You're a great reader, if you've read this far.
I somehow own hippy guitars; both are over 30 years old.
The idea of living in a van with 3 of my closest dudes for months at a time is tight.
Expectations suck. Don't expect a thing and find your reward is great!
God's timing irritates me until I realize what i just said.
I'm a sinner.
I want things that aren't mine all the time.
I want one girl to be different from the rest..
..I want her to be encouraging, loving, beautiful, a fan of music, a fan of Jesus,
..a fan me as much as I am of hers, a lover of her future family, etc..
2007 has kicked tail with the music releases this year.
I don't know why you've read all of this.
You should say "BOUNCE" if you have read all of this.
This whole "die to myself" thing is harder than it seems.
Sin's a pain in my royal arse.
I miss the British Isles.
My life is a walking ministry; I can't wait to be 89 and see what God is still doing.
If I could be anyone, I would probably be Dustin Kensrue.
I've been to more weddings this year than my whole life combined.
Texas weather is the most uninspiring thing ever..
..other than the thought of wearing high heels. I will never understand!
I am not famous.
I do not know everybody... So, feel free to stop trying to tell me otherwise.
Robert Earl Seay.. Who knew?
The bed is calling me, and so I must go.

i was a beggar's son
far from the tennessee plains
i was your wayward one
missing far from the land

i wanted to find home

take my heart tonight
find a new place hide
hey, come and take this love back from the grave


i was a wayward son
like many before and many to come
i was somewhere north of here
(lost in the city lights)

take... my love & bring me home

i wanted to find love
in a little paradise
i wanted to find love

It dawned on me late last week, between the conversations that I had with a couple of people, that this American way of dating and love and such is pretty jacked up. It's not a new thought process, I assure you. This thought process has just been revisited with more depth.

The views I'm about to share are completely hypothetical:
So, I think it was Friday when my friend messaged me asking when I was going to move to where she lived so that we could have coffee and talk all the time. My comment back was, "Is this some sort of unofficial proposal?" After she confirmed that it was going to be a number of years 'til she got married, I began to think back on what love really is; what it really means.

Love: An act of the will that is accompanied by emotions, that leads to action on behalf of the object.

By that definition and by what scripture says time and time again, love is a choice.
So, I got to thinking, "What would it be like to decide on marrying someone, wait 10 years while not actually being romantically involved with her.. then one day get married after never dating?" I think it'd honestly be one of the most freeing things ever.

Here's why I think it'd be freeing:
1. You wouldn't have to worry about dating.. the whole love/loss thing.
2. You wouldn't have to focus on "man, does she dig me?"
3. You'd be more inclined to get closer to God independently.
4. You'd have a long time to begin to develop the "bestfriendship" instead of forming that during the marriage or even during dating when emotions and physicalness can get in the way.

I'm sure there are more reasons and things I have thought of, but as of right now, I can't think upon them.


So, what is this thing called love, man?
The world tells us it's emotions. Dude, if you waited 10 years as a single person to marry someone, you'd get wrecked emotionally, if you were told love is only emotions. Satan would use every opportunity to try and deter your decision by bringing someone "prettier" in your life, someone "smarter" in your life, someone "more talented" in your life. I mean, that's 10 years to think "man, I'm waiting, but I doubt she is. I know I could have this now!" Oh, such temporary gladness!

We've been blessed, man.. This American way of life is seriously such a blessing. I mean we get to date and we get to choose who to marry. There are many countries out there that don't get to choose marriages and such for themselves. So, in those countries, love is something you do or else you lose much, including your life.

What would love look like for you if you kept pursuing Christ, talked to a friend, thought she/he was cool, and then just plainly decided one day "hey, 10 years from now, we're going to get married!" You'd have plenty of opportunities to run out and be with other people.. So, why would you wait 10 years, if someone was willing to give you themselves sooner?

What would love look like for you if you were not able to decide who you were to marry.. if that decision was made for you?

..This is all hypothetical. I'm not engaged to be married in 10 years.
I just simply want to know what your thoughts on love are.

Peace.
Z

P.S. I'll probably edit this soon with a more condensed and to the point version, but 'til then, leave some feedback.

Finding one worth living for.
Finding one worth dying for.
Well, I've found one.
And oh, what a story to tell!

You are like a book I can't put down.
I can't read enough, and you can't say enough.
All I want to do is to hear more from you.

You're living life so blindly;
Afraid to give your heart away.
I'm dying for you to see,
That love is not the enemy.

I am just a simple man with nothing to my name.
I can't offer you perfection, but my honor is yours just the same.
Yes, I know this could be a story with a million different endings,
But since when did we become the authors of a life He wrote for us?

We may never see the end together, and time will surely tell,
but in this time and place, I sure hope we will.

May God bless your soul, and may He comfort you still.
Let it be known, you are in every prayer in this broken man's tale.
Have you found your identity? I know it may take some time.
I have been waiting, still waiting, and for you I'll wait some more.

May I not be a hindrance to you in the pursuit of our Saviour.
Let it never be.

My friend, I love you, and I'm not ashamed to say.
Though our paths may never cross,
I will love you just the same.

Seek the Lord.
He loves you dearly.
Seek the Lord,
And may He glorify His name through all that you do and are.

Quiet now.
Your voice sings miles away,
But somehow I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away.

I’ll sing alone
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while,
Since that first day when you made my heart smile,
With loving eyes and tired sighs that follow.
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary.
Speak but a whisper;
I’ll hear a sermon.

I’ll sing alone
The whole day through.
Just do your best to hear me.
It’s all you can do.

I’ll sing alone
The whole night through.
While you sleep safely,
I’ll be thinking about you.

You have my attention.

- Copeland, "You Have My Attention"

We are the sons and daughters of a revolution -
Revolutionaries walking us out of opression
and into a no-low promise land.

And this is leaves us with a great sense of sadness -
Growing inside our soul.
No one can explain where it's coming from.
Or where its taking us.

We just know that something is lost -
That somehow we are lost.
Lost.

And this, my friend, is the great depression.

- "The Great Depression" - Blindside

come away, and let us see - better days are ahead.
something inside us longs to get out of here.
we've been tied to lies of safety,
and now we're finding out that solace isn't really solace at all.

we'll get out of here alive.
by the grace of God,
we'll get out of here alive.

we've been locked inside this hold - trying to find an escape.
someone should alert the press!
we're breaking these chains,
and now we're finding the peaceful solace we once dreamed of.

we'll get out of here alive.
by the grace of God,
when all is against us,
we'll get out of here alive.

oh tired souls, so weak you are!
carry on! we'll see peace in the end!

we'll get out of here alive.
by the grace of God,
when all is against us,
we'll get out of here alive.

i think i've stumbled into a new way of thinking.
nothing is what it seemed, and i am left wanting.
i'm left feeling like the dreams in my head.
you know, the dreams where you reached,
and reached, and could never grasp.
this is sudden silence to souls like us.

we're reaching, never grabbing.
we're growing weary, yet we still press on.

the day, she is passing, and nothing's changed.
i'm still who i was before i started any of this.
dreaming's become a dangerous thing to a soul like mine.
i keep reaching, and reaching, and yet i never grasp.
this is sudden silence to a soul like mine.

we're reaching, never grabbing.
we're growing weary, yet we still press on.

"pick it up, son! pick it up!," she says to me.
"you've gotta press on!
ships weren't always made for sinking.
yeah! you've gotta press on!"

we're reaching, never grabbing.
we're growing weary, yet we still press on.

Who do you hope to be?
What do you hope to be like?
How do you hope to change?

Hit me with some comments.

I can't seem to shake it.. I am a romantic who is constantly being heart broken.

I laugh about it now, but about a year ago, my parents asked me if I was gay due to the fact that, at the time, I had never had a girlfriend. I guess being 19 and single is an odd thing for two parents of a different belief system (see: mormonism) to understand. Their asking me doesn't bother me anymore. I've long since forgiven their stupidity and appreciated their bluntness and honesty.

I mention that story and I mention the reasons why I've only had one girlfriend in almost 21 years because I think there is something huge that both guys and girls can get from reading this. Forgive me if it gets personal; I'm one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

Throughout high school, I had a handful of interests. I think I can safely say that if most aren't married now, they are either on their way or they are probably the ones you couldn't see married but could see with a new guy every few months or whatever. As I'm older and almost to the age where my peers will graduate college, I am finding that though I am growing wiser, I am seeing that I am becoming far more outspoken, yet also far more emotional.

What do I mean by "emotional" you ask? Well, safely said: It now breaks my heart to see someone I care about throwing parts of their life away. It used to not phase me when I would see a girl dating a moron. It used to not phase me when I would see a girl dating a guy who couldn't value them. It used to not phase me when a girl would go out and party and get trashed underage. I figured that there was nothing I could do to stop that person from harming themselves... So, why try?

Well, over the past few months, I've really been hit hard by this. I'm seeing ladies that I would have pursued living lives that just frankly suck. My thoughts every time are the same, "Don't you see how beautiful you are? Don't you see how valuable you are? You are worth so much more than what this life has told you that you are!" I am sickened by the consistent underage drinking, smoking, pre-marital sex, drug usage, and all that comes along with that scene. Seriously, nothing could be a bigger turnoff than those things.

When did it become the norm for average girls/women to hold as much value to themselves as a prostitute? Don't get me wrong, I think women who are prostituting are just as worthy to be valued as someone who isn't, but man... What separates a "Christian" girl who smokes, has sex, drinks, hangs out with all her girlfriends and parties, does drugs, etc.. and a girl who isn't saved and who has been selling herself out to people for cheap money?

My point in all of this is simple:
Ladies, you are worth more to me than your petty parties, your petty "image", your petty little girlfriends, your petty smoking habit that you claim you can't break.. None of that amounts to anything! You are worth more than all of that! A man ought to hold to you like he's a king holding onto a beautiful crown. He ought to respect you and value you. You find yourselves in relationships that suck and wonder why. You find yourself puking in the morning due to a hang over and you think it's cool but you don't see what you're destroying. You wear the skimpiest clothing and expect to be valued when in all honesty, the only value you can get is the value of "man, I'd like to have some fun with her tonight!"

Can't you see? I know I am not the only guy in the world who wants you to be of upright standing and who sees you as more precious than gold or silver. You're not allowing yourself to be captured and pursued by men who will honor you and cherish you. Men who are honorable and who pursue and cherish women don't usually seek after women who can't value themselves and who can't allow themselves to be pursued.

My sisters, you are worth so much.. please see that. Thank you for reading.
You are greatly loved.
-Zach

Hey! Hey! Throw your life away!
The parties, the drugs, and sadistic men gathered round!
It's all part of the scene; no need to come clean!
They take from you when you are just asleep.

Don't be sad. Don't be angry.
We tried to warn you..
Yeah, we tried to warn you.

Hey! Hey! Sing your softer melody.
Hear the wolves call out your name.
"We're dying to know you,
we're not going to let you down"

Something's wrong. Something's missing.
We tried to warn you..
Yeah, we tried warn you!
Don't come down, if you can't leave this now
We just wanted you to know:
You're more precious, you'll see!

Oh, Sister! Oh, Lover!
Come clean and come wanted!
I promise there's a better way!

Compulsive reaction longing for the satisfaction
Oh, I could never win. Will I ever win?
I've spent many long nights here alone,
And after all is said and done,
I am done, and I am out.

I won't let you wreck what I have to give.

I've looked upon a million empty souls,
and in this exchange, I became the empty one.

I won't let you wreck what I have to give.
Shake it from your mind, You won't win tonight.

I've lost many times before,
But God-forbid I lose again.
You're not the love I have in mind;
A bride in white is what keeps me fighting.

I won't let you wreck what I have to give.
Shake it from your mind, You won't win tonight.

---

I don't usually care to talk about my writings because a lot of them have to deal with stories of people I know and messages I want to convey to them without direct communication. At least, that's how they've been over the past year or so.

This writing, however, is very-much-so about my still un-dead struggle with lust. It's been a part of me since I took Christ seriously in 7th grade, and it seems the closer I get to God the more I am waiting for the time when I fall back into the same ol' struggles.

My prayer is that God would forbid me to lose any battle with lust again. Christ means more to me than 5 minutes of fleeting pleasure in front of a computer screen. My bride means more to me than a million pictures of women I will never meet.

Men, know that you aren't alone, if you are struggling with lust. It eats at more men than just you and me. There's not a guy I know that doesn't deal with it. What a sad truth to realize - we are all the same sinners. May God break us and show us how to be the men that he desires for himself and that he desires for our brides-to-be.

Women, please know that you are worth more than what men and society tell you. I've let you and my Creator down by looking at you in the wrong context, and I apologize. We, as men, have stolen from you what we can't give back as much so as what sin has stolen from us. We can't ever have the purest mind, though I wish for it dearly. I wish I could look at my bride and say to her, "You've been all I've ever wanted and all I've ever cared for." I can't say that though. There have been many times when I have thought about her, but still dived into lust.

It's a painful and shameful thing for sure, but I know it is Christ's love that is all-sufficient. I don't deserve his love or mercy, but he gives it freely to all.

So, I don't know that there is a bottom line to any of that except for maybe this, I am a sinner, and I know that it is my heartbeat that I no longer fall into a state of mind where I take away from the love that God has shown me. Instead, I pray that I am someone who points that love towards others not someone who takes what isn't his away. I'm not perfect, but I want to press on towards Christ moreso on a daily basis. So-help-me-God, I'll always be in the pursuit of righteousness.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.
Hopefully, they made sense to some.

She said, "This is only the beginning, and I'm not ready."
Are we ever ready for a life that calls out from the deep?
"I'm so scared! I can't go! Let me leave this place!"

Oh, we are the runners;
Running races down into empty graves.

She said she had never felt so cold before.
She had never felt so alone lying six feet below.
"There has to be more to life than these fickle dreams"

Oh, we are the runners;
Running races down into empty graves.
We're going to dig our way out.
So, help us, God! We're getting out alive!

Empty hearts and empty souls digging...
"There it is! The daybreak!"
Chase this chance for freedom.
You'll make it out alive.

The new eleven2 is coming to life!

Ladies and Gents,
Mother Russia has guaranteed the best prices for music ever. Now, I'm not sure if they are fair to the bands they have listed on their site, but for under $12 you can buy yourself a slew of great music.

The following is what is currently spinning thanks to Mother Russia and her amazing currency exchange:

"The Fiancee" by The Chariot
"Icky Thump" by The White Stripes
"Fighting In A Sack" by The Shins
"Chutes Too Narrow" by The Shins
"Oh, Inverted World" by The Shins
"The Reminder" by Feist
"( )" by Sigur Ros
"Carnavas" by Silversun Pickups

Current favorites: The Chariot, The White Stripes, and Sigur Ros
Oh yes.

Well, things are rolling, and this entry is going to be short and simple. Basically, a lot is going on, and very soon I will tell you all about it, but 'til then, just rest assured that I'm working on getting you in the "know."

where do we find ourselves,
when there is no one to find?
are we a broken, dying soul
or just simply miserable from the fall?

when all we are is searching,
there is life to be found.

so, we'll see it all over again -
are we just broken down and broken out
and ready to cut to release?

when all we are is searching,
there is life to be found.
we can't just open our eyes
and deny the outside.

we're tainted and tattered,
among a million shards of glass.
but we are not alone.


my friends, i can't deny that you all have shit that is going on in your lives.
man, but there is more to life than what this world has to offer.
you've heard those words before. i know you have.
there's more to life than cutting, drinking, partying, sleeping around, and Lord knows what else that we, as humans, have allowed to become "okay and just a part of life."

i'm sure there are tons of you who may have other struggles.
man, we all struggle. that's life.
but man, seriously... "there is a life to be found"
that life... man, that life is Jesus.

i'm not trying to cram religion down your throat,
and you can rest assured that i'll still be your friend if you absolutely hate God.
but check it, you are worth so much, and you sell yourselves out for so little.
you are worth so much that the very God who created you also died for you.
he knew we jacked up.
he knew that the only way for us to be clean in his sight was to die in our place.

but dudes, that story didn't end at that death.
that story is still alive.

Christ died, yes.
but man, he rose again 3 days later, defeating death and sin.
it's because of this that we can live in absolute freedom and be seen as pure and holy people.
man, we are loved unconditionally by our creator.
the dude LONGS for you, and he longs to have a relationship with you.

so, please... life is okay.
life will be alright.
YOU are loved, my friends!
there is NOTHING you can do to lose love.

regardless of your parents, of some bad church experience, of some lifestyle you're into..
man, none of that matters.
you can be accepted and not condemned for being you.

so, take comfort.
you aren't alone in life.
you are loved and will always be loved.

grace and peace.
zach

For years, I've driven these same roads time and time again.
I've always known where they led to.
It's been the same place every time.

One day, I won't know.
I'll take all the roads never taken...
...As long the drive is long.
...As long as you'll stay by my side.

We're calling (SCREAMING OUT YOUR NAME!)
I hope we get your attention!
We're the broken in need of a voice,
And we are in need of truth.

Please don't lose your voice to the world.

You're singing (WE NEED TO HEAR YOU!)
Don't let your words fall short of this!
You're so revered in this audience.
Speak what we need right now.

Please don't lose your voice to the world.

Oh, my friend, you've got this attention.
It's not more than you can bear.
There are words to say.
"Hope is all we have"

Have you forgotten? Punk music lost its fire in the 90's which is why Blink-182 started to collaborate with The Cure and listening to Radiohead.

Your new song, "Girlfriend" is one of the most catchy-as-hell songs of your career, but the music and the lyrics are absolute trash. With your album, "Under My Skin," you introduced us to your mature side with songs like "Nobody's Home," "I Miss You," and "Forgotton." And as far as gaining the respect of those in the music world, "Under My Skin" had some of the best production and instrument tones in music history.

So, that brings us back to your upcoming album, "The Best Damn Thing." I like the title "The Best Collection Of Songs Ripped From Other Artists!" It seems like a much more fitting title. AOL allowed us, the listening public, to preview fou songs. Of the four songs, three had a sense of Blink-182 meets The Romantics' "That's What I Like About You." The last song sounded like you tuned into Christian radio stations and thought "Hey! That's neat!" and took the sound for yourself. One problem, Christian music has been doing that same sound for roughly 7 years. Nothing is new.

Here's what I suggest, do what Switchfoot did, let this CD stand out for a week and then lose a nice selection of your true fans, get back in the studio, and write music for YOU. Once you've done that, promote the album, let people see that you've written music for yourself and not the industry, and then release your best work yet. I believe that you will see that your following will not be as fickle as the one you are building right now. 12yr olds are great, but hardly a lasting following.

Sincerely yours,
Zach

Hey! Hey! Running from the ashes,
Don't want to burn yourself again.
Yeah, the temperature is rising,
But that's nothing new in this place now.

So, you'll run (don't run!) out of here,
With this insight of life not in question.
When did it all fall so clear?

Hey! Hey! Did you hear the sirens?
They're not calling out to you.
So, why are you still running?
Take a step back; know that there's life here.

Oh, introspective is your cure.
Oh, your story will tell.
Oh, here's to your freedom.
When you're done, life will still move on.

Sorry. I've been way too busy to give you, my blog reading public, something worth reading. Maybe I'll work on that. Then again, maybe I won't.

'Til next time.
Z

UPCOMING DATES:

This weekend:
January 19th: BSM in COLLEGE STATION
January 21st: Lake Jackson UMC

Next weekend
January 28th: Fitzgeralds (Houston)

Feb 16th: Java Jazz
Feb. 23rd: Ignition Showcase (Austin)
Feb. 24th: Ignition Showcase (Austin)
Feb. 25th: Ignition Showcase (Austin)
March 2nd: The Meltdown
March 3rd: Market Street (The Woodlands)
April 16th: The Station W/ JIMMY NEEDHAM


We've got new music in the works.
Hopefully by February, we'll be able to debut it.
Also, we're hoping stuff in the studio can be finished by this week.
So, be on the look out for our 2 Song EP!

Thanks for reading!
blessings.
z

Sorry for not writing in this on a regular basis.
I have just been in this funk for the past few months where I haven't really felt like writing anything of value, as far as inspiration goes. In general, I have been in a funk where i haven't been inspired. Musically, I've not really created anything that could be worked with.. Lyrically, I've not really written anything thought-provoking.

Maybe sometime in the near future I can get back to writing some inspirational stuff as well as real life stuff as well as some spiffy music.

Thanks for reading.
the deadbeat poet/musician

Happy Christmas, my dear friends.
I love you so,
and please never be in doubt of that.

I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for being who you are. You all mean a ton to me, and it's without a doubt in my mind that God is going to bless you all beyond your wildest imagination.

There are 5 people, however, that I've really had the chance to be real with and be open with the past month or so, and I just wanted to give these five people a shout out of appreciation.

Justin Bogart, bro/roomie/guitar hero.. man, thanks for allowing me to live in this apartohouse with you. We've been horrible influences on each other as far as the sleep factor goes, but it's been great to see how far and how fast both of us have grown in terms of guitar playing goes. Dude, 26 is coming up, but I don't think that those 26 years have been wasted. You are who you are for a reason. Don't be discouraged, man. You're a great man. I appreciate the 2am conversations while jamming to alt-country and matchbox 20. Thanks for being real, man.

Andrew Gay, your name is Gay! And we all know your middle name is not IS, so.. I guess that's cool. Seriously, man.. It's been cool to really see how life has played out for you over the past year. It's stupid how good you and I have gotten at guitar stuff this year. I've gotten good at weird effects, while you've gotten SICK at learning other peoples' songs. Now, when we trade off and I start learning other peoples' songs and you start messing with effects, we're pretty much going to OWN! I can't believe that it's been so long since we first had the idea of forming a band. I didn't even have a grasp of what a band was 'til maybe 5th grade, but even then, i didn't even know how to be in a band or what was in a band or anything 'til a couple of years ago. Who would have known that years later, we'd actually be in a band together? Dude, it's without a doubt that God has bigger things in store than what we can see right now. Thanks for loving him, man. Thanks for your encouragement.

Karen Lisowski, hands down you have the coolest name ever! Seriously, I've really enjoyed getting to know you. Random that meeting you would be at a Cardinal Rise show and that you'd know friends of mine from totally different parts of my life. Random, but cool! I told you last night that I have a great deal of respect for you. It's simply amazing to hear how God is active in your life. Even at 2:30 in the morning when I'm about to fall asleep listening to you, it gives me such great joy because you talk about God like he's sitting right next to you. If there's one thing I could say, it'd be that I want my bride to have that trait. I want to encourage you to find what it is you enjoy the most and what God has gifted you with (talent-wise) and pursue that with excitement! You have so many outlets of expression. I have no doubts that you'll find something amazing to do with your life. You're an amazing singer, an amazing artist, an amazing lover of Christ, an amazing writer, an amazing photographer, etc.. Something huge is going to happen in your life! You've got a great family who backs you and loves you. They are some of the coolest people I've met. Thanks for being you. Thanks for talking as much as you've listened. Two-way conversations are great and are definitely something I miss.

Neil Sandoz, you are such a blessing, man. I don't know how you do it, but you some how spur this creative side in me. It's been a blast writing music with you. It's so weird how I had never heard about you 'til we started The Cardinal Rise, and how quickly you have become one of my best friends. Your honesty and your bluntness is something I appreciate a lot. You challenge me w/o ever having to say a word. Seriously, thanks.

Nathanial Sullivan, it's STUPID how much you and I are alike. STUPID! Dude, I still can't believe that I'm older than you. You just seem so much older than me. I look up to you. You've gone through so much in the past three or four months since I really got to know you, but dude, OBVIOUSLY God has blessed you! I pray that you continue pressing into God. Your views on relationships and how you've lived out your life have been such an encouragement to me. I have no idea where I'm going to end up in the whole scheme of relationships and marriage and such, but I will definitely look back at our conversations and take to heart the tips you gave me. You've just been a great example of a Christ-centered life. And dude, YOU AND I MET BETHANY DILLON TOGETHER!!!!


If you're not mentioned, don't feel left out. I know you, and I greatly appreciate you as well. These have just been key people in my life this past month or so.

I don't know what else to say, so Happy Christmas, and thanks for reading!
Blessings.
Zach

Open souls and tired hearts.
I'm no longer here for the fight.
You were a constant, a brighter sunshine,
And me - I was the wreck who saw something more.
More in you than anyone before.

Oh, dear friend, I wish you well.
I don't know where you will go,
and I don't who'll join you there,
but I pray your intersection is sweet.

I'm back on this lonely highway,
Praying for an intersection,
Somewhere down the road.
May Grace find you well.

I'm divided, and in my division,
I've never been so alone.

You've never given me signs clearer than daylight,
But there's a part of me that holds on to you.
There's a part of me that you've taken without knowing.

Where's that intersection?
I thought, "Surely, we would have arrived sooner!"

Oh, and honesty?
You've captured me from the beginning.
How's that for truth?
I'll take ten for every step you make.

I am just a man.
Never perfect, but was that the plan?
All I know is that I can give myself away to the lovers less wild,
But you're the only one who captivates me.
Sadness falls when you don't even know.

I'd wear a sign around my neck,
If I knew you'd receive me.
("I've longed for you for so long!")

Is there a chance in this?
Is there a chance for the intersection?
Just give me that.

I'll go away, if that's what you want.
I'll pray for a better man than who I am.
I just want to know,
Is there an intersection where we might collide?

Jesus, give me rest.
My body is dying.

Give me silence.
My ears are bleeding.

Give me darkness.
My eyes are blind from consistent light.

Give me Yourself in the stillness.
Make me sit down with You.
Make me fall in love with You.
Remind me just what life is about.

I hate who I am that takes this battered body over Your love.
Grab hold. Never let go. I'm too tired from my arrogance.

I'll write a letter to you
So you'll know my every thought.
I'll watch it get erased
In a time when you need it the most.

You know, I know
She's the liar//backstabber.
She's armed and ready to fight.

Take her words, so dishonest, so unfaitful,
And cast them to the wind, my friend.
I care too much to see you lie victim to the stab wounds.

When the words come,
I'll be there to see you shine.
I care too much to see you lie victim.

Show her love, against modern belief.
She's no better than you.
She's no worse than you.
We're all the same in this place.

You're not alone.
Never alone.
Does it make you smile to know you could have made fire from ice?

I've never doubted you.
I only pray for you.
I'll be with you.

Now, I'm falling into Grace.
It's where I find my home.

Am I hidden to you in plain view?
Someone flip the light on.
It's much too dark in here.

I am no real mystery.
I wear my heart out and open for you to see.
I write in one way conversation.
This is the one way conversation.

I remember the stories of your past.
The hurt, the lies, the love you gave regardless.
Love is not a one way street.
It's a collision at an intersection.
If you and I meet at the intersection,
I'll pray to never leave.
"I ran into you, and I'm never letting go."

In a state of impact,
All emotions arise and rightfully so.
I'll bear your pain so you don't have to.
A troubled past, and we meet here now.
Don't be afraid.
I'll be your comfort from the night.
The dreams that haunt you so make you no less beautiful and no less worthy of the truth and the love you deserve.

I write this in one way conversation,
Praying for the intersection.

I could awake to see you there.
I could awaken you to see the morning sun.
It's beautiful, but never something glorious without you.
Its light shines on your face,
And I'm like a little boy - always wanting more, never wanting an ending to the story
I'll carry the story on forever,
If forever is what you see here.
I'll carry you proud.
I'll never let you go.
I'll be loyal.
Just be yourself.
That's all I ask, and I'll love you just as you are.
Don't you go and change for me.

I'm wanting to try something out.
I write. You can see such writings here.
I want your honest thoughts of them.

Now, here's where we both can have fun.
I want you to post some of your own writings.
I hope to start a community of writers.
Maybe down the road, I'll be able to offer a place where photographers, songwriters, etc. can post their stuff to be heard or seen.
For now, this will do.


---


Now, as far as my personal life goes, I'm itching. I've got a lot of stuff layed out to do and get done over the next few months. One of which will be to start doing some solo shows, featuring tunes from The Cardinal Rise as well as my own songs. These shows are going to be anywhere and everywhere I can perform them and with whoever will let me share their stage with.

Other things I hope to have accomplished by Summer is to be back into the world of freelance, as well as getting into photography more. I'm about to start on a few projects for Tara Leigh Cobble & Robbie Seay Band. If you haven't heard Tara's music or RSB's music, I encourage you to check them out!

So, consider this a goal setting post.
Rest assured, if this is public goal setting,
there are non-public goals that I have as well.

Thanks for your reading.
Thanks for your waiting.
Thanks for being you.
Grace and peace.
Zach

Well, for those of you in the Facebook realm, welcome to zachmcnair.com's blog. For those in the zachmcnair.com realm, know that my blog is now a part of my Facebook account.

Now, with all that aside, I would like say hey and say thanks to all of you. Surely, that can get redundant, but I think it does need to be said. If you're reading this, it's because you mean something to me. Unless, you're a hapless by-standard, in which, I want you to know that I love you as well.

Things have been nothing short of crazy that past couple of months. I've been dividing my time between working with and for the Robbie Seay Band, working at Starbucks, working for TAFT, Ecclesia, and Hyde Park Recording Studio, writing new music, and trying to get some stuff organized in my life. I may be moving out in as little as a week. We'll see how that goes.

I'm actually working a show right now @ the TAFT venue. So, I must be going, but I hope to hear from you all soon! Hopefully, you'll be hearing from me sooner than later. 'Til then, God bless and much rock and roll.

Cheers.
Z

we can't be left alone.
we'll never be alone.
God will carry your weary soul when you are too tired to walk.
NOTHING can separate you from his love.

let that echo in you for just a second.

i'm not better than you.
i'm just like you.
we are all the same people with sinning hearts.
we're equals.

but it doesn't stop there.
no matter how great or how small the sin seems to be,
there is no weight on it.
it is all equal.
and Christ has forgiven all sin.
please believe that and dwell in him.

---

there's a song that has been echoing in me all week.
here's what it says:

I wrote a four word letter,
With post-script in crooked lines,
"Tho I'd lived I'd never been alive."
You know who I am - you held my hem
As I traveled blind
Listening to a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.

Stealing a bicycle chain,
As the handlebars crashed to the ground,
The back wheel detached from the frame,
It kept rolling, yeah, but aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, doubters, let's go down,
Lets go down - won't you come on down?
Oh doubters, lets go down-
Down, to the river to pray?

"But I'm so small I can barely be seen - how can this great love be inside of me?"
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things.

Wearing black canvas slippers
In our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose
We sewed buttons and zippers
To chinese pink silk
And olive night clothes
If you can someday stop by
Somehow we'll show you the pictures and fix you some tea
(see, my dad's getting a bit older now and just unimaginably lonely).

Oh, pretenders, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Oh, pretenders
Lets go down-
Down to the river and pray?

"Oh but I'm so afraid, and I'm set in my ways"
But he'll make the rabbits and rocks sing his praise.
"But I'm to tired, I won't last long."
No, he'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Oh, Amanda, let's go down
Lets go down- won't you come on down?
Mama, Nana, lets go down, down in the dirt by the river to pray?

You struke the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked - So if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining (as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?)
We hunger, but though all that we eat brings us little relief we don't know quite what else to do,
We have all our beliefs but we don't want our beliefs,
God of peace, we want you.

"four word letter (pt.2)" - mewithoutYou

----

i love you guys and i am blessed by each and every one of you.

You asked for them, and here they are!
Click here for the photos.

Let me know what you guys think..
It was pretty much a first attempt at pro photography.

I hope you guys are doing well.
Go outside and praise the God who mapped the stars out in the sky!

Grace and peace.
Zach

The amazingness that is Bethany Dillon and how to develop a crush in 5 seconds or less.
Watch this.

And yes, I'll be posting pictures soon.
Blessings.
Z

Words From The Road (Written on the road)

I've been gone for way too long. At least, I've been gone from writing in this journal for way too long. For that, I apologize. Don't get me wrong, I miss Texas as well, but I don't want to get into any routine. For the past week and a half, I have been on the road with the Robbie Seay Band. Being on the road really requires you to have no schedule of your own. You are at the mercy of a million different things that could go right or wrong. I'll explain what I'm talking about in just a second.

I've grown to see how life is truly out of my control. No matter how hard you try to do things your way, no matter how many days in advance you plan, no matter how much you long for something.. Christ is the definite say on everything. Christ is sovereign. My friends, his love, his will, his understanding.. Everything about him is incomprehensible and must be praised!

Starting on the morning of Thursday, August 17, the band met at Ryan's (bassist) for load out. 6 guys in a 15-passenger van headed towards Jacksonville, FL to meet up with Jill Paquette and to play their first gig of the two-week tour. I had no clue... Well, I had a slight clue what to expect, but only a slight clue. An over-night in Tallahassee, FL and on the road again 9 hours later to head to Jacksonville proved to be a great thing. It had been a long while since I had spent time in a hotel. ...Definitely a nice change of pace.

Friday, Aug. 18 - Jacksonville, FL
First gig. Welcome to what you're going to be doing for the next two weeks. .. Man, I quickly realized how much I was unprepared for this. Sound engineering is something I've done before, but never to this extent. What was I doing in Florida running sound for a Top 20 artist? God knew. He was probably the only one who knew. After the gig, I was quite blown away at how things went. I feel like I stumbled my way through, as I'm sure the band did with some of the new songs. Needless to say, it was quite a blessing to have the first night under my belt.

Saturday, Aug. 19 - Lake Worth, FL
Gig numero dos. Load-in was quite a pleasure. Usually something that'd take 20 minutes took no time at all. A group of people from the church loaded our stuff into the church while we ate and discussed what was going to be going on that evening. After chowing down on some lunch, the band set up the sound system and all their equipment. Afterwards, Chase (keys) and I spent a good hour or two EQing the system and really getting familiar with the way it would run for the rest of the tour. .. Hours later, it was time to begin. Don't be deceived. This church was massive and could easily fit 1000 people or more, but what was sad was the fact that only 30 people showed up for the free show. Doing a gig where not a single soul has a clue who you are is tough. The night went well, though. Nothing too surprising other than show 2 was under our belt.

Sunday, Aug. 20 - Lake Worth, FL
Gig numero tres. Same church as Saturday, but this time it wasn't a concert. This time it was the RSB leading worship and Jill playing one song. What was so odd was the fact that the church sort of scheduled RSB to be "apart of the ride" for their Sunday service. It really kind of made me upset, not in a "ugh! I'm so pissed!" kind of way, but rather the "How can Christ really be sought after in something like this?" Christianity isn't and was never meant to be just "feel good." When did the church get into this funk where the Gospel is rarely spoken of and Christianity is all about what we can get out of it instead of what we can give to God?

Sunday, Aug. 20 - Winter Haven, FL
Gig number four. I'm sure it will come to me later, but right now I don't remember what this show was.

Monday, Aug. 21 - On the road
First day off. Better believe that.

Tuesday, Aug. 22 - Birmingham, AL
Remember when I was talking about being at the mercy of the things that could or could not go wrong? This is gig number five. Making it to Birmingham by the skin of our teeth, we unload and ready ourselves for a gig at this huge methodist church's coffee house. When we arrived at the gig, we realized that there was no more driving we could get away with.. Our trailer's axle was about to completely break in two. While Chase, Taylor, and I set up the system, Ryan, Robbie and Dan started calling around trying to get a new axle for the trailer and someone to install it. Quickly, we were able to find someone with an axle and someone else who'd install it for us but not 'til the next day. Great relief to hear. A night in Birmingham wouldn't be so bad.

Wednesday, Aug. 23 - Birmingham, AL
Yep. It wasn't until 6pm that the trailer was able to be fixed. It was just a blessing that we didn't have a show, but still, that put us on a tighter schedule than we'd like. There was much driving to be done and only so much time to do it. After driving for hours, we finally make it to Louisville, Kentucky. Sleep was needed at 3am.

Thursday, Aug. 24 - Chicago, IL
Gig six was one of the most awkward nights of the tour, or so I thought at the time. The church we played at was located in a storage building, for one. Two, it was freaking massive with massive money poured into massive equipment. Need I say more? It was cool, but at the same time, I had to ask myself, "Should any church become such a production?" Seriously, the music is done live, but sometimes the messages are taped. Let me go to church so I can sit and watch a movie. Lame.

Friday, Aug. 25 - Troy, IL
Gig CHEven. (Chase's nickname is Che or Chi.. Hence.. Cheven)
I'm sure it will come to me later, but right now I don't remember what this show was.

Saturday, Aug. 26 - O'Fallon, MO
After the gig, we went to a family's house to surprise three 17 year-olds and wish them a happy triplet birthday! I know that if I went to a Dave Matthews concert, go home, and then walk in and see them in my living room, I'd freak. So, I'm sure the triplets enjoyed their time sharing their birthday and dinner with the RSB, Jill, and me. We enjoyed sharing our time with them!

Sunday, Aug. 27 - Chesterfield, MO
In some ways, this was a day off for me. All I did was take photos and help with haul-in/haul-out.

Monday, Aug. 28 - Tulsa, OK
This day was spent driving.. and driving.. and driving. Finally, we landed in Tulsa.

Tuesday, Aug. 29 - Tulsa, OK
This gig was actually pretty unordinary. Chase had to fly out to Houston Monday for class and didn't get back 'til 2 hours before the show. Just a little stressful on his part, but by the time the guys took the stage, everyone was loose and at their best.

Wednesday, Aug. 30 - Ada, OK
Well, after two weeks, all good things must come to an end. That's pretty much the principle for anything. Guaranteed. It's just a fact of life! .. Okay. Maybe not. So, tonight was the last show of the tour w/ Jill Paquette. It was such a marvelous two weeks. I definitely feel that my knowledge has increased ever so much in the area of sound engineering and so forth. When I started this deal, I didn't have a clue how to EQ a room, but I knew mixing. Two weeks. A lot can happen in two weeks. It's probably all the time needed to go from inadequate to adequate in anything. Seriously, if you've never ridden a bicycle, by the third week, you've got it under your belt. It's just the truth. Anyway, goodbyes suck, but man, God is freaking good. It's seriously been a blessing to be on the road with the Robbie Seay Band & Jill. Hopefully chances will come up where I'll be able to go do things with them again, but if not, it's all good.

*I'll be posting pictures from all the journeying soon.

Well, I am currently heading to Jacksonville, FL with the Robbie Seay Band.
Expect updates on the tour and on my life pretty darn soon!

By the way, mark your calendars-
Sept 9 & Sept 20
The Cardinal Rise is currently #1 out of 40+ bands in the Houston area.
Support us @ the finals show on the 9th.

Also, on the 20th, we're doing a huge TrustKill Records show.
Come support us for that too!

Tickets = $12 (9th) / $10 (20th)

Blessings.
Zach

*edit: Hey, I just got word that we have to sell 30 tickets BEFORE Sept 4th for the Battle of the Bands show. So, if you want to go, buy tickets!
I will be out of town for a couple of weeks with this tour.
So, if you want tickets, call Andrew and call Neil.
Andy: 281.797.1925 / andrewjgay@gmail.com
Neil: 281.685.6847 / neilsandoz@gmail.com

My Darling,

You woke me up from a dream today. I want to know you and be near you. I'm still waiting patiently for you, though, it doesn't prove to be easy. I'm many miles away from what I know to be home, but God has given me glimpses of you today.

I know that one day you'll read this with a smile on your face. Don't stop smiling! I love your smile! Your laughter fills me with the utmost joy, outside of that which Christ graciously gives us.

I don't deserve to be known by you. I've betrayed you, knowing full well that that was what I was doing. For that, I apologize. The grace you have shown is beautiful. Thank you for not giving up the fight. I won't give up on you.

You really are so beautiful! Know that it's Christ in you that drew me to you. And like Christ pursues us, I will pursue you, my love. I will pursue you!

the cardinal rise - battle of the bands

date: friday, august 11th, 2006

time: bands begin at 7:30pm

where: java jazz (2502 fm 1960e., houston, tx 77073)

what: this is the cardinal rise's first time ever to play at java jazz as well as their first time to be involved in a battle of the bands. come support them as they take the stage with many other local artists from the houston area!
the winner is determined by the decibel level in the preliminary rounds (in other words, when the cardinal rise finishes, yell!!!)

cost: tbd

for tickets, please contact:
- andrew: andrewjgay@gmail.com / 281.797.1925
- zach: zach@zachmcnair.com / 832.326.5770
- neil: neilsandoz@gmail.com / 281.685.6847

be sure to check out:
www.thecardinalrise.com
www.myspace.com/thecardinalrise

thanks and many blessings to you!
peace.
tcr

On behalf of The Cardinal Rise, James Caronna, Sarah Dossey, and Gatlin Elms..
THANK YOU ALL!!!

Friday night was probably the greatest night of our lives! Thank you for being a part of it!

For those who supported James in his desire to go do missions stuff, Man.. You guys RULE!! I know he was blown away by your love and kindness!

We all look forward to seeing you soon in our lives.

For those of you interested:
Sarah Dossey has a show at Carrie's Coffee Mill in Conroe tonight. It's 80's.. So, have fun!

TCR is looking at having a couple of shows at Java Jazz in the coming weeks. We'll keep you posted if you want.

With much love,
THANKS AGAIN.. EVER SO MUCH!
Blessings.
Zach

I kid you not, I was having a really good day and then about 20 minutes ago, this huge rush of nervousness and uncertainty flowed through my body. I have no idea where it came from or anything, but it was certainly full-blown.

Seriously, crazy stuff. I guess if I could be concerned about anything, it'd be about the show tomorrow night, but there's really no reason for my worry. I just have to continue trusting that God will do his thing.

Hey, and just a reminder.. The show is tomorrow! The Cardinal Rise is on at 9! Freaking be there at 6 and catch all the other acts! We're stoked about this show and we hope you are too! BRING PEOPLE!!!!!

peace.
z

This is going to be one of those posts where I tell the dreamed or possibly even likely future and then when the future has come and gone, I'll look back and be like, "Yep! That was dumb!" or "Yep! It happened!"

There is a joy that God seems to give me when I step anywhere near music. I don't know what it is. Some say that I listen to it too much and that it is my god. No, man.. Far from it. He's blessed me with the ability to praise him for something in whatever I listen to. I praise him for what he has created or allowed man to create. There is something to praise God for when listening to Nelly, Dave Matthews Band, Incubus, Jars of Clay, David Crowder*Band, or even Garth Brooks.

Music seems to be one of the only things EVERYONE can relate to. I don't care who you are, I can probably find some way of spending the WHOLE day talking about music. If there is nothing else we have in common, music will be something we can share mutually. I haven't listened to more than 30 minutes of Nelly, 5 minutes of Christina Aguilara, or 30 seconds of KORN, but I'm sure we would be able to spend the day talking about those artists if they were all you listened to!

Anyway, God has been really laying it on my heart the past couple of months to pursue this avenue. It's been something that he's been telling me for years in the most random of places (Aberdeen, Scotland) by the most random of people (Singer of a well-known band from England, Phatfish, and then again by some corporate executive a week before.) I would have NEVER thought that I would be able to ever see what people told me 4 years ago in my own eyes! I would have never believed that I'd be doing anything but playing a couple of David Crowder songs to a friend.

Four years later, God is still keeping me going. But for what reason?

Well, it's been pretty clear to me lately. I'm to go out into a world as a grain against the sand. It's odd to think that, but that's pretty much exactly what I'll be doing. I'm going to be playing shows or working with bands where almost everyone is not a believer in Christ, and I'm going to express how Christ is my life. I'm going to show them, the broken and bruised, lonely and lost, that there is hope and love, that there is life beyond these bones.

There are some beautiful examples of people who are doing this already, people who, in some way, have paved a road for me to travel, but with hopes of me creating some new paths. Some of these are: Underoath, Copeland, As Cities Burn, Blindside, Mute Math, mewithoutYou, Switchfoot, etc.

In no means am I saying that I want or am doing this as a selfish act. Man, this is all about being self-less. If it ever becomes about me, I'm sure God will put his foot down, but I pray that it never comes to that point.

Anyway, I guess this is more or less a declaration saying that I'm pursuing Christ, and in that pursuit, I feel he is leading me to do this. That being said, I pray that be not on the defense, but man, support me. Prayer would be an amazing thing right now. The next year or so is going to be pretty radical, I'm thinking. You're the reader and a witness to something huge.. Let's be in this together!

Thanks ever so much.

The Cardinal Rise In Concert
When: 6:00-10:00p, Friday (7.21.06)
Where: Magnolia FBC
What to do: Bring a friend.
Who: The Cardinal Rise, James Caronna, Sarah Dossey, Gatlin Elms Band



Guys, I'm not going to lie, and I'm not going to be prideful by saying this:
The new Cardinal Rise stuff sounds AMAZING! If you make the show, you will not be displeased! Please try and make it! Tell all your peeps too!

Blessings.
Z

Any fans of BLINDSIDE out there?
I haven't been able to put them down at all for a solid week.
I don't know why I have this random craving, but they are greatly satisfying! Christian's lyrics are some of the most solid, most encouraging, yet challenging lyrics to the faith I have ever read.

Check them out!
blindsideonline.com

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

It's time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of road for you

- "To Whom It May Concern" - UnderOATH

Hope seems to be a recurring theme lately. At least, it seems that there are many people in the arts who are beginning to see the need of expressing hope. When one of the world's biggest potty mouths decides that people are broken and people are in pain and people are often found in hopelessness.. And more than just seeing that, he decides to write songs that basically call the "hopeless" out of hopelessness and to see that there is hope in life.. It just shows that hope is substantial and that it really is something that people are in need of.

When did we ever decide we were so hopeless? When did we decide that life wasn't worth living? When did we decide that the Eternal Fire wasn't forever and that it wasn't saving? When did we decide that grace wouldn't shine on us? When did we decide that maybe love wasn't meant for us?

.. Just something I've been wondering. The moment after the fall of man in Genesis, God plainly says he's going to send a saviour. Why did we fall into hopelessness? Is God not who he says he is?

I'm not hounding on anyone. I struggle with hopelessness every once and a while. "Hopeless romantic" is what I call myself sometimes. How much further could I be from the truth? I am loved by and I have love for the creator of my very being. I know one day I'll be loved by and have love for someone in the here and now, but for now, I'll focus on the eternal supplier of my life.

Well, the past couple of days have really been quite nice for me. But first, before I get into talking about my days, I just want to thank you guys and gals for the comments you have left. They have gone noticed! Thanks so much!

Alright, the past couple of days I've really been shown the grace side of God. It's totally undeserving, yet he still shines down on me. I don't think I'll ever understand that side of God.

Friday, I had work from 11a-3:15p, and then I was quick to meet up with Andrew and Neil to work on some new material that I had written. After meeting with them, I seemed to only walk away feeling like I had wasted their time. The material (music) was good, but something wasn't right and we all could feel it. So, after going away bugged, Justin Bogart and I met up at his place to practice for Sunday @ church. Somewhere in the middle of us practicing and Justin taking a nap, I came up with some pretty tight ideas to add to the new material. Well, after working on that a while, Justin wakes up and we go to Chicken Express. It is while we were here that Crystal Dunlap sends Justin a text message asking if there was anything going on that night. Justin, being the sly fella he is, sends Crystal a text back saying nothing about himself but about how I'm on the look out for some wild women and to get wasted. Now, I had no clue what to expect Crystal's reply to be, but I was relieved when she played along by saying that that was cool, but she was on the quest to find some wild men. Again, Justin put his slyness to use and text her back asking if I could be one of those wild men.

ugh.

Anyway, long story short, we got some laughs. Our hanging out that night was postponed, though, due to Crystal having things to do and us missing the movie that we were going to go see by like 15 minutes. .. Which brings us to Saturday (cos Friday I just went back to Justin's and crashed.)

Saturday, I woke up, went home, showered, and then went to work 'til 2. Work was nice. It was definitely busy, but nice. A lot was accomplished, and that is always a good thing! Well, after work, I met up with Andrew and Neil again to show them the new stuff done to the new material and needless to say, they liked it! That made me excited nonetheless.

After practice, I went to Crosspoint and set up. After setting up, the Crosspoint band practiced "Faith of our Fathers" and "Forever" for in the morning. Needless to say, I was pretty astonished how tight we were playing "Faith of our Fathers." It's not an easy song to learn or play by any means, but we did swell!

Well, after that lovely practice, Justin and I got some Taco C. and then went over to Crystal's place where we watched half of Like Mike 2, got bored, and then played "3-13" or whatever. I'm not like a huge fan of card games, but it was definitely enjoyable playing with the Dunlaps, Justin, Deana, and Heather (Deana and Heather showed up too!) Man, I was blown away by Crystal's family! Like, I knew she was amazing, but I don't think I was really expecting her family to be just as amazing. Seriously, her younger siblings are some of the funnest kids I have seen and her parents are just amazing, humble, loving people! It was seriously a blessing, privelege, and an honor to be with them!

..And now it's closing in on 2am and I am at Justin's about to fall asleep. So, thanks for reading! I'm sure there will some more stuff to write about in the near future. Maybe even later today!

Cheers!

So, I was pretty much floored Sunday morning. I was playing guitar at Crosspoint and during the middle of one of the songs, I looked over to my left to see this beautiful expression of worship much unlike what I was used to seeing. This worship wasn't done out of bordom or out of wanting people to think they are more holy than someone else. This lady was just simply moving with her hands in her pockets, but you could tell by her facial expressions that is was genuine and she was captivated and in love with our creator.

I suppose the reason why it shook me so much was because there was passion in this lady's worship. (By the way, I say "lady" as a general term instead of girl or chick or whatever.) The past couple of days, God's been showing me all sorts of stuff in that area. We're supposed to be passionate about God so much more so than anything else. Think about it.. Football games.. People get decked out and just look hideous, but they don't care. They go to support their team. When something good happens to their team, they shout, shake huge #1 hands, etc. When something bad happens, they boo or they wrench themselves if one of the team mates is injured.

Man, if we lived with that kind of passion.. Ah, man! We would never be sane!

I love the lines in Cartel's "A"..
"Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops
They said we're wasting our lives
Oh, but at least we know that if we died,
We lived with passion
They said we burn so bright"

This journal is back. Over time, it's become the greatest outlet for me other than talking to Christ. I don't know.. I seem to feel that writing in a physical journal is fine and dandy, but it doesn't do anything for me, but when I write here, you (the reader) see me for who I am and then you comment and give me your insight on life and the things I talk about. ..And of course, that is always appreciated!

So, thanks for pressing me to bring this back. I love you and thank you for being awesome!

I'll write more later. Love you, guys!

Morgan Rochelle Blake, I told you I wouldn't delete that post! Anyway, thanks for taking over my computer.. In doing so, I was blessed to talk with you and Chris. So, that was neat!

Anyway, you all should talk to Morgan.. She's a cool kid!

Grace and peace.

so, this is zach. zachary. z-dawg. z-master. whatever you will. so i saw morgan today. she's a dreamer too. that's all i really wanted to say. i, zach mcnair, am a dreamer and she, morgan, is a dreamer as well. that's all world. hey robbie.

blessings,
z

A live version of "Walls" by Emery.

They did this in September when they came to Java Jazz. The Gym Class Heros guy is a baller. Nice rapping in the middle of nice rock!

Muse-"New Born (live)"

Ladies and gents.. the sequel.

Darth Vader vs. Japanese Police -- click it!

April 1st, I bought google. zachmcnair.com became google.com.


...and the best part.. you fell for it!
happy april fools!

Hey, if you have an external HD that you are not using, could you please contact me? I just ran out of HD space today. NOT good!

thanks!
blessings.
z

hello. i am alive. like johnny 5. i am alive.
i made something pretty.
check it out -- here.

thanks!

This may very well be the first time in my life that I am absolutely and completely passive on pretty much every area of my life. I hate it. I hate being passive. I feel like I'm a loose cannon, shooting aimlessly into the air. I have lost all desire for anything. I just simply put up with life because that's all I have right now.

What is joy? It seems like something so far from me. I know laughter, and I know five second smiles. There is no passion in my life for anything. I know God. I know that he has been my source of joy since I met him, but even now I struggle to want to talk to him.

I was happy once. I knew what it was to passionately pursue Christ, to be passionate about music, to be passionate about art, to passionately care for someone, etc. Now I am left feeling empty. I feel like I have been misleading. I have let some down and will soon let others down.

Here's the letdown:
I'm single. Which, to many would mean "available." That may be true, but I'm not a happy single person, but currently I wouldn't be a happy taken person. I'm not at a place where a relationship would help me at all. I need to better my relationship with Christ first.

I'm 19 and have never had a g/f, but man.. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from pouring water for one into a number of glasses. I'm tired of "almost serious interests." I want to be content with just being friends. I'm tired of late night conversations and in-depth conversations. Given, that's how you can really get to know someone, but there's not a single person I want to get to know more than another right now.

So, what do I do? What do I do in my mass of confusion and uncertainty and passionlessness?

PRAY!

..That is what I'm going to do now.


Thank you and goodnight.
Peace.

yes or no?
short or leave it alone?

cast your vote!

G4 12" Powerbook & 3G 15GB iPOD..

would you be interested in buying them?
i need something 15", portable, and mac.
i have two of the three.. just 12" is too small.

also, if i need an iPod, it would be more benefitial for me to get the 60gb because then i can back up my hd. 15gb doesn't do a thing.

albums i REALLY want to buy right now but know that i shouldn't because of poor use of money:

far-less: everyone is out to get us
far-less: turn to the bright ep
mewithoutYou: catch for us the foxes
mewithoutYou: [a-->b] life
chris thile: deceiver
matt redman: facedown
sullivan: hey, i'm a ghost
andrew osenga's upcoming cd

yeah.. there ya go.

.. and she didn't think I'd do it.. Shame on her!!

Morgan Rochelle Blake, this one is for you! .. Keep in mind, this is entry two of which you're mentioned.

---

So, Sunday, I was baptised. That was big. After that, I went to TUMC to celebrate with a few people the life of Jan Floro and to wish her well as she goes off to do whatever it is that God is calling her to do. Well, as I was there, Morgan smiled her smile.. She might as well put a trademark on that thing cos I don't think anyone can smile as awesome as she can.. and so she says to me, "I still read your journal!" .. there ya have it.. a long time fan!

Well, after all that, Andy, Neil, Tim, and I packed up and headed out to John Wesley UMC and lead worship for some thing they had going on. Needless to say, it was a good experience.. it just sucked that it was not something we could promote as "The Cardinal Rise (formerly Eden)" because well, it was rushed and we didn't really do anything of our own writing.

So, that was neat.

Monday, I went to work @ zebos and then went to bible study bugged, but the night ended on a pleasant note. Tim, Aspen, and I had dinner at Taco C. Good stuff all around.

Tuesday was nice. Tim and I shared some chili-dogs, went to Montgomery together to feed the dogs, and then when we got back to his house, we worked on some bible study stuff. After that, I went to work @ zebos, went to guy's bible study, and then um.. went home i think. Oh, yes.. I went home and came up with a list of traits that I look for in women.. Needless to say, I think I'll be posting it pretty soon. Should I leave the physical things in? I don't know..

Well, today.. Today was nice.. Went to work, worked, and then got off work. Well, that's not all.. After that, I caught of up with Andy and his lady Sarah, Rebecca, and the infamous Morgan Rochelle Blake and we went to see Jimmy Needham and band. I chilled with Josh and Tim from the band for a little bit before and after the show.. much goodness. Oh, and if you have the chance to listen to Ben Stuart minister, do so.

Well, okay.. the moment of the evening was when Morgan and I were walking with the other three kats and we were talking about coming back and she was like "But we have the Fusebox!" and I was like "What's the Fusebox?" (knowing plain well what it was because I am a former TUMC goer) and she proceeds to tell me everything about it almost like a robot.. instantly responding to the question. Well, I then look at her with a stunned look on my face and say "I'm not THAT stupid!" and she stops in her tracks shocked. It was seriously THE moment of the evening and quite possibly the week cos yeah.. it was priceless.

So, that being said..

Tomorrow I have to wake up and meet with the guys from Gravity Digital about some upcoming projects. I hate mornings. And then after that.. Who knows what I'll do. Tomorrow evening, Lyn and I are going on another outing.. So, that should be neat. We haven't done one since the one months ago.

Well, Goodnight and God bless.

i should probably spend some of my time off doing things that really matter like praying, reading, listening, sharing real conversations about real things that really matter, learning, studying, cleaning, practicing, creating, loving, caring, sharing, jamming, and most importantly.. living for Christ.

i'm sick of my complacentness. i need a change for the better.

i just wanted to say thank you to you, dear reader and friend. i will write more later, but much thanks for everything.

blessings.

Joshua posted a blog entry yesterday that poses a likely truth for both of us.

Check it!

"Symphonies of Fireflies" - a new writing .. check it out and then come back, hit on that "comments" link and leave me a comment!

Peace.

I like catchy music. You should too!

Check out: Jonezetta

"Communicate" is one of the catchiest tunes I have ever heard. They have a media player. Listen to it!

I have a knack for being at the right place at the wrong time. But in other cases, I have a knack for being at the wrong place and the right time.

I have missed so many opportunities to pursue others that have been much less rewardable, and then when I have realized this, I find myself trying to pursue those missed opportunities only to find them lost or completely gone. I'm sure there is a reason for it all. I know that God's timing is not mine.

I'm quite positive that none of you have a clue what I'm talking about. I can't even be so sure of what I'm talking about, but I know that God is good and I look forward to the following days, weeks, months, or even years.

I'm tired. SOOO tired. I'm tired of just the simple pursuit of things and at times even Christ. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of everything that this life has me so tapped into. I'm tired of masks. I'm tired of sin. I do wish that I could be bold enough to say everything that I have done in my life and be okay with it.. Instead, I just hide.. I run from everything. I need God. I need him more than I need the air I breathe. I can last a good couple of minutes without breathing and my brain can last 30 minutes w/o air.. my soul can't last one .00000000000001th of a second w/o Christ. I need him. I do. I need him. I just want say to myself "Damn your pride!" and live life in a reckless abandon. I want to pursue Christ with EVERYTHING I am and nothing less. Why is it that I can't? Why am I so stubborn?

Tonight from 7p - 9p CST, email djonair@ksbj.org and request "Better Days" by Robbie Seay Band and "Be Near" by Shane and Shane.. Please!!

Here is what Robbie sent me today:
From: Robbie Seay
Subject: help..tonight - rsb/shanes
Date: February 9, 2006 3:38:25 PM CST
To: zach@zachmcnair.com

fellas..
we need some help from you guys and the crew in tball..

first off - spread the word to cast an rsb vote tonight between 7-9pm
vote by emailing djonair@ksbj.org

then..with a different account, vote for shane & shane's song "be near"

we're trying to hijack the countdown with a bunch of our favorite songs..you guys will be responsible for this one..
try and get at least 15 votes for rsb - then 15 votes for shanes..

go!!!!!
word
rs

I'm not going to lie. I have some of the most beautiful women in the world as friends.

So, why must I dedicate a whole post to that fact? Well, recently I have noticed that it's either I expect myself to like someone or someone expects me to like someone else. Confused? Good.

I'm tired of expectations. They suck. In a way, they can tend to take God out of the equation. I'm 19. Suddenly, I have come to the time in my life where my close friends are trying to see me well with someone. It's become an expectation. I'm expected to be in a relationship now.

I successfully feel more lonely now. Thanks.

No, but seriously (I was being serious before too) .. In the past week I have been asked about um.. like 6 or 7 different ladies that I know and why I'm not going out with them. "Why not, man? She's attractive.. She loves Jesus.. She is artistic.. She's fun.. What's up, man?"

One day.. One day my damsel will come and I will be her knight in shining armour. One day, I will know who she is and I will be as wooed by her beauty, charm, love, Godliness, etc. as I pray she will be by mine. Seriously, God will bless me with someone beautiful.. I just have to be patient. It'll be hard, but it's doable.

My encouragement lately has been this: Out of all of the ladies I know, if I'm not to marry the best one out of all of them, I can rest assured that God will bless me with someone way better. Andy talked to me about this thought process a long time ago. I like it. It's about contentment. "Dude, if she's not the one I go out with.. If she's not the one I end up marrying, I'm totally content with it. I can rest assured knowing that while she's the best yet, the best is still yet to come." .. Such a great viewpoint.

So, where am I going with this? No where I guess. Sorry. If you can make sense of this, please comment. Goodnight.

On top of freelancing, I will be working @ Zebo's Coffee House in the mornings as well as teaching guitar lessons @ Firehouse music... Both of which are in Tomball. I'm quite excited! I'm quite anxious to see how things work out.

So, guys, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers..

Blessings.

I'm back in the freelance world. Things didn't work out too well at Eleven2. It'll be alright though. I still love those guys dearly!

So if you're looking for a designer. Hit me up! You can view some of my work if you want.

Blessings.

Today, I left the house wearing a Dead Poetic t-shirt and since their last album was titled "New Medicines," it has two syringes in the shape of an X. So, supposedly I listen to satanistic music or something along those lines. Yeah... Dead Poetic is definitely a Christian band, but yeah.. Whatever.

Oh, and my life is still supposedly bullshit.

James, Tim, Jeff, and I are trying to get an apt. in Tomball soon. Life might be a bit sweeter if/when that all goes down.

In other news, I haven't seen the Burchfield's since 7th grade and pretty much the whole gang was at college bible study last night. That was definitely cool.

Oh, and Lauren and I talked for like 2 hours last night. Probably a good thing because had I not had someone to talk to on the way home from FEEDING THE FREAKING DOGS, I could have fallen asleep at the wheel or something. Though, I have yet to do so.

Thanks for reading my complaints. I'm frustrated, a bit angered, tired, and ready to do things other than listen to BS and busy myself with matters such as going to Montgomery just to feed dogs. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but when they say that I'm wasting my life and when they say that I need to be careful of the music I listen to, I tend to get quite upset.

My weekend was lovely, but it was also long. Friday and Saturday I had a college leadership retreat at Kevin's as well as having to take the SAT on FOUR hours of sleep Saturday morning. The test was five hours and I slept for four. That math just doesn't equal out.

After the SAT and the leadership retreat, I set up at Crosspoint and then what I did after that remains to be a mystery. I honestly can't remember what I did. I think I played guitar and slept.

Sunday morning Andrew and James visited Crosspoint. After a fabulous morning service, Andy, James, Kevin & Aimee, Justin, Tim, and I went to Panda Express. Their food was good the first time I had it. Now it's just horrible fast food.

After horrible fast food, I drove to Montgomery, fed dogs, and then I drove to Conroe and had a lovely afternoon/evening with Lauren and Shelli. You can see pictures of this here.

Um.. This morning I woke up, went to work, and on the way to work, my step-mom told me that I don't work and that it is bullshit saying that I work. That was a great way to start a morning. Work was lovely I suppose today.

Now I am going to get food, go to bible study, play some guitar with james, pack up, probably go to montgomery and feed the dogs, and come home and die of exhaustion.

Oh, and I picked up Sullivan's new cd, "Hey, I'm A Ghost." It's drummer is the lead singer of Underoath's (Spencer Chamberlin) brother.

Cheers.

Lauren was gracious enough to take some photos of the show last Friday. So, go.. Take a gander here.

So, I'm old(er). Crap.
I do want to say thanks to all of you who have wished me happy birthday thus far! I've been blessed to have some amazing friends.. thanks again, guys and gals!

Blessings.

I don't know if I could have been to a better show than the one I went to tonight. Two of my favorite bands made it to Houston tonight to play one of the best gigs in one of the worst places ever. Alas, it was a fabulous show.. It really was! You just can't get Vedera and Mute Math to share a stage w/o it being awesome!

At the end of the show, Andrew decided to alert Paul Meany (MM's lead vox/keys guy) about this site and "Eden." "How was this accomplished," you ask? Well, my friend, pen, paper, and a one dollar bill might just do the trick.. Regardless, I will write the following..


Dear Mr. Meany,

If you have made it this far, I will be both blown away by your interest but also I will be forever appreciative of you and the band. Tonight's show was only what you could expect from MM, pure excellence even in the midst of breaking a few instruments. I was furthermore blown away by Darron's humbleness. He proceeded to show compassion and love in many forms that night.. From moving others' gear to helping people get unstuck from the mud.. It was just incredible. It is without a doubt that God reigns in your lives. I am blessed to see how much he has blessed you guys.

I have much more to say, but there's no need to say more now other than thanks. If you wish, please Email Me. I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for coming out to Houston and to zm.com. Tonight was definitely a blessing, and I thank you guys for being a part of such an awesome evening!

Grace and peace.
Zach

Sarah Dossey & Zach McNair In Concert
When: 7:00pm, Friday (1.20.06)
Where: Carrie's Coffee Mill (Conroe Outlet Center)
What to do: Bring a friend

--

Yeah, there's more to say, but I'll hold out 'til next time!
Grace and peace.
Zach

I am blessed. I pray that in every situation that I am in in life that I'll be able to remember.. I am blessed. Maybe I'll tatoo that to my arm in latin one day. ..That and "hope." I've always really dug the concept of "Well, what if I'm 70 and someone strips me of everything and I am naked.. I'll just look down at my arm and still remember that I am blessed and that there is hope in Christ!"

"Today is the greatest.. day I've ever known." - That's Smashing Pumpkins..

Seriously, um.. I woke up @ 8:30a, reread the awesome text message Lauren left me, went outside and hayed the horses (think Mr. Ed.. "A horse is a horse, of course of course... And no one can talk to a horse of course"), I cleaned a couple of stalls, unloaded some feed, unloaded some hay, cleaned some more stall (singular, yes.. singular,) showered, went to Neil's to pick up Andy's pedals, and then here's where it gets crazy... ready? New paragraph..

So, My dad had to borrow my car today to go to the Sam Houston Racepark because he had a meeting to attend. Supposedly, something went down and my step-mom was bugged by this. My dad takes me to Justin Bogart's house where I unloaded all my gear, and then my dad left. Well, Justin and I practiced for tomorrow's services quite a bit, and he tuned up my guitar a bit too. MOST excellent, dude! Well, my step-mom calls me a couple of times and gives me "marriage/dating tips," and then that's like the end of all of that. Well, I guess she and my dad got into an argument? So, Justin and I get to the church and unload our stuff and set it up and well.. I call home to see if my dad was there.. He was not. AND my step-mom had left because she was mad at my dad. So, my dad gets home, I'm in Kevin's car (cos Justin had to have dinner with his parents and Kevin said he'd give me a ride or whatever,) and I call home.. My dad asks if he can use my care some more to "go get mom." Ugh.. He has no idea where she's at, right.. yeah.. So, Kevin takes me to his house, eventually Justin picks me up, we jam for a little while longer and then my dad picks me up. Well, my dad left just a few minutes ago with Ben (one of my many step-brothers.) So, yeah.. There's no telling if this makes any sense or not. Parents can be childish, it seems.

I pray that I'll be blessed with a bride who wants to be pursued, who is that damsel in distress who wants to be rescued, but she's also not helpless. I pray also that God'll grow my heart.. That I'll want to pursue no matter what, and that I'll go all lengths to love my wife regardless of other things. She is second to God. I want to remember that.

Well, in other news.. What's news? Ah, yes.. Something I don't watch. Tabloids, baby! That's where real truth is at! What!?!? Yeah.. Okay..

So, I have come to the conclusion that we serve an amazing God. He had blessed me with the most sparatic week in the world. Like, I've hit mountains AND valleys this week. But yeah, I am forever grateful to him for the certain people with whom I have shared certain coversations with. I honestly believe he puts these people in our lives for one reason or another. I am blessed by their lives soooo much more than they'll ever imagine. I'm grateful to God.. Oh so incredibly grateful to him.

Oh, and have any of you noticed how freaking amazing the weather has been this week? It's been wonderful! I can't imagine better days, but alas, I know even BETTER days will come.

Go figure, after writing that post, I would see something that'd hit me square when I needed to hear it. Thanks to Joshua, I have become a fan of Whiskerino 2005. Nothing like a bunch of guys getting together to grow beards! But yes, I came across David Bean's page, and I noticed he had his whole testimony written off to the right. Freaking exactly want I needed to hear.. So, please, read:

---

Written in 2002 while living in Orange County, CA.

THE STORY OF ME - Dave Bean

For me, life has been a long, strange trip. The following is a brief testiomy of where I've come from, and how I've gotten to where I am today. I was born in the beautiful mountains of New Hampshire, where my parents lived on a hippie commune.

We moved to Boston and I watched my folks divorce at the age of 3. After the divorce, my Mom gave into her hippie urges and we embarked on a journey, that looking back, is a miracle I lived through.

My earliest memories were of life in Cohassett, Mass. We lived in a nice apartment overlooking the bay. After work, my Mom and I would go to the local pub (The Red Lion Inn) and she would drink with her friends and I would tell jokes to them all night. Her best friend babysat me, and was a very interesting character. One night she streaked through the Red Lion Inn wearing nothing but a Nixon mask. Being the only black woman in town she wondered how everyone knew it was her.

This kind of stuff didn't phase me, because I didn't know any other kind of way. To me this was a normal life. After leaving Massachucetts we moved to upstate NY to live on another hippie commune/farm. Everyone was vegetarians, and I was forced to eat soy burgers. The only bathroom was 10 yards from the house, and made for the worst imaginable nightmare in the 15 below NY winters. All the people ever did was smoke the pot they grew, make love, and tease me. I was the only kid around for miles.

The one memory that sticks out in my mind from that time was my Mom and I being at one of her friends house down the road, and watching this guy, tripping on acid, chase his wife (my moms' friend) around the house with an axe. We freaked out and left almost not making home because the roads were so ice covered we almost slid off a hill into a ditch.

We finally left the farm and things became fairly normal. My mom did a 180 degree turn and gave her life to Jesus Christ. We then moved to Watertown, NY where she took a job working for The Association of Retarded Children. For the job we lived in a huge house with 13 retarded girls. My mom took care of them, and we lived there for 3 years.

Since my Mom was now a Christian, I went to a Christian camp one time and had a dramatic encounter with God that I never understood till years later. I don't remember if I asked Christ into my heart or He just introduced Himself to me. In any case I belived in God from that moment on. The only problem was that I didn't know what to do with that belief and it soon became just a fond memory that I still cherish to this day.

While in Watertown, my Mom met Nate, a Godly man. The knew each other for 3 years and then got married. On a side note, they were friends for 2 and a half years, and kissed for the first time the day he proposed to her.

So enter Nate, a new addition to my ever changing world. I like him, but resented him trying to be any kind of father figure to me. Our relationship was rocky, but not too bad. Sooo, we moved to West Springfield, MA. Then to Princeton, NJ, where Nate went to school.

It was this time in my life when all my interests, time and money began going to music. Music became my refuge, my escape from the world that I had a hard time coping with. I would lock myself in my room and listen to The Police, Squeeze, Tom Petty, Devo, B-52's and all the other groups that were just coming out at that time. I spent all my money from birthdays, chores, etc. on my stereo and music. I probaly had the best system of any kid my age.

By the time I was in 9th grade I was a DJ on the school radio station that could be heard for twenty miles. At 13 I would take the train into NY City and Philadelphia to see the Police, Cheap Trick, The Specials, Oingo Boingo, etc. I was very much a loner. Music was My life, my friend.

After NJ we moved to South Florida. Up until this point I was a pretty good kid, I had no desire to do drugs, or skip school or anything bad. Something happended early on in Florida and I just snapped and began drinking and doing drugs, becoming more rebelious and withdrawn from my family, who I really did love very much, even though I think they had their doubts at times.

Summing up the first 7 years of life in Broward County Florida in a couple sentences is this: I became a punk rock, alcoholic, druggie. I was very confused about who I was, what I wanted to become, who my friends were, and most of all-who was God and where was He? I still believed in God very much and desperately wanted to live for Him, but felt like I would never be able to.

I hated myself because I wasn't living like I knew I should be. The Holy Spirit nagged at me for years on and off. This kept me from doing certain things that probably saved my life. I responded to a couple different alter calls to get saved but nothing ever seemed to stick.

I felt as if I was too bad to ever change, and becoming a good Christian was just a dream. So I just lived my life for 7 years my way. I got arrested a few times, did a lot of stupid things, and of course once again lived for music, becoming a part of the Miami punk/hardcore scene.

Early one morning while coming down from an acid trip at a friends house on the beach, I began to seriously take a good look at myself and what I'd become. What I saw Disgusted me. This was nothing new, but this time I felt God there with me giving me the courage and strength I needed to do something about it.

So, I decided right there that I was going to move away from all that I had known for the last 7 years and go to Boston to get away and start over. My Dad lived there and I knew he would let me stay there for awhile. It did me good to go there and while I slipped a few times with certain things, I was making progress.

When I felt it was time to go back, I packed up and moved back to Florida. I still struggled at first, but then I met someone. Her name was Samantha. I met her one day because God had told me to go into a record store where she worked. I went in not knowing why. We met, struck up a conversation, and became friends. She was a strong Christian and she she helped me more than she'll ever know. It got to be where I was doing pretty well, but was still drinking and doing drugs on a few occasions, even still doing acid once or twice. Then it happened.

We were at a church we had gone to a couple of times, and a man visiting from out of town was the guest speaker. He was prophesying over a couple of people then he told me to stand up. He totally read my mail. He started off saying things that confirmed to me that this was God telling me what he was about to say. Things I never told anyone. God knew I needed that because I was and still am very leary of people who claim to speak the words of God to me.

He then proceeded to tell me that I was heading for a drug overdose that was right around the corner, and that if I turned completely to God he would not only save my life but restore everything Satan had taken from me over the years. It was so right on.

It was exactly what I needed. In fact it scared me from ever doing drugs again. From there I decide to go away to Bible school. It was a 9 month school in Texas that was more like a spiritual boot camp. I loved it, and I took off flying in my relationship with God. I threw away hundreds of tapes and albums that used to be "my god". Samantha and I fell more in love during those 9 months.

I was half a country away but I wrote her once sometimes twice a day for nine months. When I got back Sam and I dated, and after 3 years of knowing each other got married. We moved to Atlanta and then Costa Mesa, California where we live now. Now I am living the life that I used to dream about: A life filled with the joy of knowing my creator intimately. God has blessed me beyond my dreams with a awesome wife, and a love for Him that Grows daily.

I certainly have my share of troubles and problems, but now those cause my roots in Christ to grow deeper and become more solid in Him. God is so rad!

Disconnection. It's one of those things I long for in some instances yet don't want in other instances. There are people in my life who just drag me down, and where common sense would say "hey, just tell them to take a hike!," my "too nice" attitude gets the best of me. I seriously hate breaking ties with people. I want to love everyone, but man.. There are some people in my life who have given me scars that won't heal if they keep picking at them. The consistent reminders of my past, the consistent picking at my scars, the memories, etc.. all of those just make me so tired and in need of rest.

I often wonder what Jesus would do in these types of situations. Would he say, "Hey, I love you, but you're a hindrance."? I don't want to think he would, but then I remember several times when he'd leave huge crowds of people at door steps as he'd sneak away to get alone and to rest. After resting, he wouldn't return to those people, he'd move on to another town.

Lauren and I were talking yesterday about how there are things that we have said or written down in journals or whatever that we wish we could just trash. Man, that sounds so great, right? What if you could just throw away your past? But then we came to the conclusion that it does us know good if we throw away the written past because we still think upon it. That past lives in us. Whether it be past relationships where words were said that have no validity now or it be wasted emotions or whatever.. We can't necessarily run from the past. ... And if we could run from it or hide it, would we want to? The past is what grows us and changes us and molds us and gives birth to a whole new mindset.

So, it's a catch-22. Do I tell these people that they are just stumbling blocks in my walk with God or do I continue pressing on and allow them to do the small things that just cause me to stumble, that cause me pain, that open wounds?

---

On another note, pursuing God with all I have and all I am is hard. Ironically enough, the last couple of bible studies I have been to have been talking about James 1:2-12. Man, it's sooooooo stinking hard to keep that "Consider it PURE joy, when you face trials of many kinds" mindset.

---

Last night was a nice getaway with God. I was on the road for a couple of hours before Mainstreet. I definitely took advantage of that. Talking to God is amazing when I do it, but sometimes it's so hard. How am I too lazy to even talk to him? It's like "I'm too lazy to open up my mouth to talk to you, but when a song comes on that I can sing, that's not too bad." What the hecht? Needless to say, I am sure that God is going to start whipping me into shape soon enough or so I hope. I'm so tired of living this complacent life. I want to be an extravagant, crazy, wild pursuer of God. I want to want him with all of me, but my flesh doesn't want to. I have to fight in this war of insides versus out.

Thanks for reading.
Have a great day.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!"

"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any damages that he makes."

Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that monkey out of here!"

"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay you for the cue ball and leave."

The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?"

"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue balls."

After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.

"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life," says the bartender.

"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats."

I second Joshua when I say "the trailer for Thank You For Smoking basically ensures that I will be watching the movie on opening night."

Other Movies Worth Seeing:
Shopgirl
V For Vendetta
The Ringer
Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Cars
Oliver Twist
The Producers
Bee Season
Duane Hopwood

What's one thing you want to change in '06?

New writing. Check it out here.

When you're done, come back here and write me a comment, please.
Thanks!

As of yet, no one can sing as good as my friend, Liz. If you think you could compete with her, listen to her sing "Lass From The Low Country."

If you still think you can compete, please send me an email.

So, rumors are flying around saying that Mr. and Mrs. Bowles are having a baby. Now, due to the character of these two, I'm still a bit suspicious. Why? Well, the fact that my sources up to this point, including Kevin himself, are all calling this a "rumor."

So, if this is, in fact, a rumor, Kevin is going down.. It's not April yet.

If it's not, however, then I want to say the following.. CONGRATS TO YOU, KEVIN & AIMEE!!

That's all.

So, I'm a fan of blogs or journals or whatever you want to call them. This wasn't always the case, but thanks to Joshua and Lauren, my appreciation for blogs has grown. Anyway, I was reading some of their journals, particularly Lauren's, and it's seriously amazing how we all write about stuff that's really happening in our lives. We don't adhere to the "blogging is popular" movement where we post nothing but the "Yesterday I liked so and so and oh, well, today I'm with this person." No, more often than not, we write about things that matter. Given, I just posted a top ten.. What that has to do with anything, I don't know, but then again, Joshua posts movies about good doctors. I think I'm entitled to a little freedom. ;)

No, but really, I was reading Lauren's journal today and like I couldn't help but think, "Man, do women really think about this?" "Man, there are women out there who when they are down and out they post scripture as a way of encouragement not just for themselves but for whoever may be going through the same stuff?" "Man, there are women out there who post scripture on good days too?" Seriously, I'm blessed by the fact that I know her. Like, yeah, man.. it was cool just reading. I know that some of you have done the same with my old journal, and I encourage it. But one thing that made it even more worthwhile was the fact that in her writings, she was real. I was able to feel her emotion because she left it in her writings. When she was broken, I felt broken for her.. When she was happy, I felt happy.. When she cracked a joke, I laughed.

So, where am I going with this? I just want to encourage you all to be real. Whether you're a blogger, songwriter, a talker, whatever you are, guys, be real. Seriously, I've talked to people for months and thought they were one person and then come to find out they're not who they say they are. Man, if you're broken and sad, voice it.. Someone will comfort you. If you're happy, voice it.. You'll probably make someone's day. In all things, though, remember to let God be glorified in you. He's going to glorify himself in everything you do somehow.. whether good or bad.

If I don't talk to you guys, I hope that your new year's is awesome.
Keep rocking!
Grace and peace.
Zach

The Top 10:
1. "...And The Rest Will Follow" - Project 86
2. "Son, I loved You At Your Darkest" - As Cities Burn
3. "The Question" - Emery
4. "Vheissu" - Thrice
5. "Versus" - The Panic Division
7. "Juturana" - Circa Survive
3. "In Motion" - Copeland
8. "Why Should The Fire Die?" - Nickel Creek
9. "The Triptych" - Demon Hunter
10. "Are You A Dreamer?" - Denison Witmer

Albums of Honorable Mention:
"A Collision" - David Crowder Band
"The Everglow" - Mae
"Plans" - Death Cab For Cutie
"The Autumn Effect" - 10 years
"In Your Honor" - Foo Fighters
"The Revolution" - Inhabited
"Better Days" - Robbie Seay Band
"Frances The Mute" - The Mars Volta
"Takk..." - Sigur Ros
"Mr. A-Z" - Jason Mraz

Edit: "How To Save A Life" by The Fray --
This was released in '05, but I didn't get it 'til '06.
Had I gotten it in '05, Chances are I would have put it in the Top 5..

After a couple of days of straight Demon Hunter, I decided to go out on a whim and just buy Denison Witmer's latest CD, "Are You A Dreamer?". Needless to say, it is one of the best buys I have made in a while. I'm going to dare myself not to listen to anything else 'til I learn this whole CD so that I can play some of the songs at Open Mic Nite @ Main Street Crossing.

You should check out the CD..
Check out his site --> denisonwitmer.com

So, this has been bothering me a lot lately. Who do I aspire to be? There are many days when I want to pursue design and not care about anything else, but then there are days when I just want to be a musician, but then there are days that I just want to toss everything to the wind and just go be a missionary and just trust that God will provide me with whatever I need.

I talked to Anna Melcon today (which, by the way, this blog is pretty much her styling for the time being. I'll be changing it up in the coming days to be a little more fitting for me.) and like some thoughts arose or more so just came back to play in my head. I would love to be like my friend/dot comrade, Don Clark, because he and his brother, Ryan, are able to balance the design and music lifestyles enough to where they can have fun with both. They started a band called Demon Hunter and a design firm called Asterik Studio together. They are amazing both musically and artistically.

I suppose I do want something different though.. In music or in art or both (whatever I end up pursuing,) I want ministry built into it. I don't want to be like Chris Tomlin or Third Day or whatever where people only classify my music as Christian because that's lame. Who's being ministered to? The lost or the saved or both? I'd prefer to be like Underoath or Thrice where the gospel is in the writings, but it's not cheesy by any means and where both saved and unsaved people can feel safe listening to whatever I create. At the end of every Underoath show, they always say something to the effect of, "We don't know what you may believe, if anything, but we believe that God sent his son to die for the sins of the world so that we could live with him in paradise. We're just as jacked as anyone else. We believe that it is God that gives us this gift to play. If you believe that, cool. If not, cool. We don't want you to walk away. We want you to come talk to us no matter who you are or what you've done or whatever. We'd love for you guys to come talk to us!" -- That, my friends, is the gospel. It isn't judging, it isn't making itself out to be bigger or better than anyone else. It's loving and accepting.

But yeah, I'm again at a loss.. I don't know how to get started or even where I'm going. I just know God is going to use me and I can't wait. The ultimate beauty in whatever I do, will be when I'm able to share it with my future bride. It will no longer be me ministering to peeps, but it will be a team.

I have no clue what God has in store for me, but I'm sure it's going to be great.